Flirt

I'm a pretty good flirt.

Unless I'm trying to flirt with someone that I really like.

When that happens I lose all ability to be flirty.  I start acting like a 7 year old with her first crush,

Its embarrassing.

I don't appreciate it.

The only good thing that comes out of it is that I know I have actual feelings for someone, rather then just surface feelings that people get from getting attention from another person.

This is a stupid post.  I had it all thought out and written in my head but every time I try to actually type it it just comes out stupid.

So this post has been like me trying to flirt with a guy I really like.

Gross.

Traditions

Tomorrows Christmas Eve.

Every year on for as long as I remember our Christmas Eves have been pretty much the exact same.


We go to my dad's work Christmas party.

Then we go see a movie with Dad.

And finally we open one present each, which is really two because we open one at each house.


I love Christmas Eve, possibly more then I love Christmas.   Its because of this tradition too.   I look forward to it.

The idea that in a few years I wont be able to do this is terrifying.

My dad has been making the joke for the last few years that I'm too old to attend the Christmas party, and the idea terrifies me.  It might be because I don't have many years left to be able to do this.

When I move away I know that I wont be able to make it home every year.  The first Christmas I probably will but the year after that probably not.

I'll be able to do the movie and the present still, but my tradition will change.


I think some traditions are important, and it's important for us to have them.  They give us something to look forward to, something to share.  

As much as I'm dreading the day where I wont be able to continue certain traditions, I am also looking forward to when I get to create new ones with people I love who aren't family, and then one day with people I love who are family.

Snow

I love snow.

I know most people love snow but I LOVE snow.

There is just something about it.

The world slows down, everything gets quiet.

One of my favorite things to do when I studied in Washington was when I was walking back to my dorm at night while it snowed.  The way the lights glowed, the way the world glowed.  It wasn't cold, it was calm.

Rarely do I have moments of just pure joy and when I see snow, especially the first snow, well that's one of them.

Its snowing outside right now.  We were told we're not going to have more than an inch of accumulated snow but looking outside, we might bet more.

I hope we get more.  We haven't had a white Christmas since I was young and I haven't really felt joy of Christmas time because we haven't even really had a cold one in years.

I want this snow to stay at least until next Tuesday night.   I need this snow to stay until next Tuesday night.

I need this joy.

Another year older.

Yesterday I turned 21.

So along with all the pomp that goes with 21 was the realization that I made it another year.

For someone who suffers from depression, and has experienced being suicidal off and on for years, this can be another reason to celebrate.

There have been a few times this year where the thought crossed my mind that there wasn't a point for me being alive.

Now that thought is different than wanting to kill myself.   Its more of me wondering if there was a reason, and not believing that I was meant to do anything.

But I've made it.

I'm now at the beginning of my attempt to make it through my 22nd year of life.

My 21st year was...interesting.  It had a lot of ups and downs, with some major downs that were brought on because of some of the wonderful ups, which seems to be about par for the course.

I've learned a lot about myself, and others.  I've experienced things and made life changing decisions.  Got over some things that kept me from having fun, and got rid of things that made me upset.

Made friends, and lost friends.

I danced, drank, flirted, learned, worked, performed, traveled to places alone.

Most importantly though, I lived.

I decided last year that I was going to do things that made me happy.  It was one of the things that was sort of a 'new years resolution' I guess.

Well.  I did.

And will all of the bad that happened in my 21st year of life.  There was a lot of great.

A Letter: A week later

Dear Boy,

I know I said that that post would be the last, I lied.  This one really is.

So it's been a week and I haven't heard from you.

That means either you didn't read it, or you've chosen not to reply.  Which is fine, I guess.  It sucks because I wont ever be able to look you in the eyes again, even if you haven't read it because I'll think that you have and that I embarrassed myself.

Which I did, and am doing again.

I'll get over you, eventually.  You would think it I would have by now, with how ignored I've felt.


This is why I don't like leaving my house.  I don't like getting attached to people because I only get my hopes up.

Maybe someday I'll learn.

Either way I guess this is good bye for us, seeing as you don't seem to want to talk to me anymore.

Things that make me happy.

Or more specifically things that make me happy.

I've decided that way to many of my posts have been negative, or depressing so here is something different.

• Books- Books make me unbelievably happy.  Even when they make me cry.  As long as I can remember I've loved books and reading.  A lot of times they were (and still often are) the only thing that could get me through what was going on in my life.  I can escape into some far off place, or someone else life, and not have to think about or deal with mine.  I can experience feelings that have escaped me in real life, ones that I have yet had the luck to experience.

• Summer Rains- Warm Summer rain that is.  The kind that are heavy and steady.  You walk out and can stand in them for a few minutes and come back completely soaked but not uncomfortable.  Just being out this kind of rain, playing in it, dancing around, or just sitting in it...it makes me feel content, happy, calm.

• Hugs, kissing, cuddling, holding hands-  These are all things I love so I grouped them together because I like them for pretty much the same reasons.  I love human contact, most of the time.  I find it comforting.  It reassures me that I'm not alone, that I'm cared for.  I like hugs because well I do.  I like holding  hands because I got lost when I was little and it terrifies me to think it could happen so I like knowing that someone is there with me.  Cuddling it just nice, I like being warm and the whole human contact thing is lovely.  Kissing..well kissing is fun.  It also has a bunch of health benefits.  I also enjoy getting kissed on the head.  Its just a lovely sign of affection and I don't get those that often.

• Food- enough said

• Music- any kind of music.  It gets me out of my head which is always a good thing.

• Sleeping.

A Little More

Last night I poured my heart and mind out more than I ever have before.

I still don't know the outcome.  I don't know if you read it or if you're reading this.

Since then I've been going through all of the emotions.  Relief for getting it out there, regret for posting it, worry for what you're thinking, contentment for not having it weighing on me as heavily. Sadness for thinking that you did read it and are choosing not to respond.

I spent today in a panicky mood because I think you read it and I'm afraid of what your reaction might be.


I also spent today thinking of more things I should have put in that letter.  Or things I wish I had said differently.

I have decided though that knowing is better than not knowing.  If I know what you think about I can deal with everything better because I have a place to start from.


I realize I'm still being a coward but, I'd rather make a fool of myself here then text you and you not have a clue as to what I mean so...

Please.

This will be the last time I mention this.  I'll be back to my regular crazy posts.  I apologize for those who have read these two posts.

A Letter

Dear Boy,

That's what I call you by the way, when I'm talking about you to my friend.   You probably wont read this, I don't know if you've read any of my post.  If you have, those posts weren't aimed directly at you.  Just at my interpretation of whats been happening to me when it comes to guys.

The reason I'm writing this 'letter' is because I need to get this off my mind, chest, and heart.  I'm writing this here because I'm a coward who can't say this to you straight up but needs to say it anyways.

I'm going to be extremely blunt.

I miss things.

  I miss you.  I miss flirting with you.  I miss you smiling at me.  I miss watching movies with you.  I miss talking through half of the movie with you.  I miss how our legs touch when we're just sitting next to each other on your couch watching movies.  I miss cuddling with you.  I miss kissing you.

But most of all though, I miss talking with you.

We might not have talked about a lot of deep and intelligent stuff but I still think we had great conversations. We talked about stupid things, and random things and nerdy things and fun things.  We talked about our families and friends and growing up.  We just talked.  I enjoyed it.

Now I know you said that you don't want, or cant have, a serious relationship right now.  I know I said that I was okay with it.  I thought I was.  Turns out I'm not because I couldn't stop myself from liking you.  I wanted to.  I wanted to separate my emotions but fuck it, it happened anyways.

You're the first guy in a long time that I have been able to be myself with.  I wasn't trying to be anyone else, or trying to impress you.  I was genuinely myself.

It's not your fault, of course, that I feel so horrible right now.  It's mine, but then again no one can really control who they like and lord knows I tried.

The thing that sucks the most though is that, despite all of this you've hardly acknowledged my existence in the last month.  At least that's what it feels like.  I'm sure you have your reasons for it but still.  It sucks and makes you seem like a dick when I know that you're not one.  I know that you're nice, and funny, and stupid and sweet and ridiculous but right sometimes I forget these because you've barely said anything to me lately.



If you do read this.  Well...I don't know I haven't really thought that much through.  If you have been reading these than you've been making no acknowledgement of it and you can continue to do so.  You can continue doing what you've been doing, things going back to before we got to know each other.  Or you can start being my friend because, while I think we'd be great together, I'd settle for having you as a friend because we'd be great friends too.  That's all I'm really asking.  Really.

You know where to find me.  Do with this what you will.  Like I said.  I needed to get this out, whether you read this or not.

Deserve better

I deserve better than this.

I deserve better than how I'm being treated by my family and how I'm treating myself.  I deserve better than guys who only like me to a limit.


I'm done with all of this.

If something makes me feel bad I'm going to either get rid of it or tell them to fuck off.

There is no excuse for the way my mother has been treating me.  I don't care if shes my mother, or if I'm living in her house.  I will not apologize for not being the daughter she wanted me to be.  I will never be that person and I'm okay with that.

I deserve a man who wants me.  That's not saying that these guys in the past weren't worth of me.  They could have been, had they been ready for a relationship.  I'm finished with these half relationships and flings.  The next person who wants to even consider beginning something with me needs to be someone who wants a serious relationship.

Most of all I deserve better than how I've been treating myself.  I need to stop saying such negative things about myself.  I need to start looking more positive about myself.  I am a good person, I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am worth something.

It may take me the month of December to get this drilled into my head but it will happen.  It's how I'm going to start the new year.

Haunted

Sometimes its seems as if I'm haunted by every past relationship I've had.

I say relationship but I should really say fling because that's all they've ever really been.  Not that we do anything really.


I can't escape them, even when they're almost two years out.  I remember practically everything that happened.

It drives me crazy.

Most of the time (99%) they don't even deserve my thoughts.

I'm sure that they don't mean to make it feel like this but I always wind up feeling used.

The worst part is, even though I know that I'm being used I let it happen.

I refuse to believe that its to much to ask for someone who wants an actual relationship with me.  Even though, most days it feels like it is.

But I refuse to regret anything.

My Perfect Guy?

Doesn't exist

Okay so I was challenged by a friend, who did this on her own blog, to write a post about what makes up my ideal guy/ what I find attractive.

I've been thinking about this for a few days now, and can't really seem to come up with things.

I'd say I have a 'type' but seeing as how that type hasn't been working for me, I should probably stop.

I guess I'll start with the physical.

• Tall (I'm 5'3 so it's not difficult but I really like guys taller than 5'8)
• Good arms, I have this thing about really nice arms (and backs too don't ask me why cause I'm not sure (but I am not a fan of the body builder type of physique))
• Eyes: I like a guy who has bright eyes.  This doesn't mean blue or light colored, they just need to capture my attention.

Personality wise, I don't know.  I like a goofy guy who isn't afraid to act like a child but can be mature when needed.  I love nerdy guys who are un-ironically enthusiastic about things; movies, books, superheros, TV shows, music.  A guy who wont think I'm crazy when my mood takes a sudden downturn and I can't leave my bed for days, completely with out reason.  A guy who is confident and affectionate.  Someone who will fight for things he's passionate about, even if it means fighting with me.  Someone who doesn't think its weird that all the doors in my room have to be closed for me to sleep, or that I like to bite people randomly.  Someone who wont mind finding books in odd places around the house.

Most importantly though, I need/want a guy who isn't afraid to say I'm his/he's mine.  Who wants to take me out and show everybody that we're together.  Someone who isn't ashamed of me.

I don't know I just want someone who wants me back.

Struggle

I couldn't come up with an attempt at a witty title today.

I know in my other posts I've said how I was pouring my mind/heart out into, and it's been true, but this post is probably the most intimate thing I'll ever post.

For about 11 years now I've been struggling with Clinical Depression.  I was put on anti-depressants but have been off of them for a few years now, having chosen to deal with it without them.

There are times when I forget that I have it.  I'm happy, nothing feels like its too much for me to handle, and life goes on.

Then there are times like right now.  I have no energy, I can't function.  I don't want to be around people, or read, or watch TV or do anything.  I don't eat, I'm not even hungry.

The scary part is that I get to the point where I stop caring about being alive.  Or I start wishing I would get hurt, or something else bad happen to me.  I think about it non-stop.


Back, sophomore year in High School, was the worst those thoughts had gotten.  I was incredibly suicidal and even planned out and almost attempted suicide.  Yet I never cut myself.  I never went through with anything.


A few people know about this, and I don't tell a lot because most people who find out treat me differently.  I hate the looks they give me.  I'm not crazy, but the way they look at me and treat me makes me feel like I am.

I feel like this might be one reason I don't have a lot of good relationships with people.  Platonic or romantic.


My mother likes to tell me that I'm afraid of commitment.  I don't think that's the case though, not fully.

I know that art of the reason is that if I were to get serious with someone, then I'd have to tell him about all of this.  He'd know what was really going on in my mind.  He'd think I was crazy too.  That terrifies me.

What I want is for him (whoever he turns out to be) to take my face in his hands, look me in the eyes, and tell me that its okay.  That I'm not crazy and that when I go into the moods where getting out of bed is a struggle he'll be there to do what ever I need him to.


Now for platonic, it's different because I just need friends who know this and don't let it change how they think of me, and who don't try and get me out or constantly ask me whats wrong and are just there for me.  To help me get through the crazy times where I get ridiculously emotional; whether it be sad, angry, or indifferent.


It's been getting harder for me to handle, but I will continue to fight it without medical intervention.  I just need for these things to happen.

Distorted (body) Image

Its funny how certain topics that I've been wanting to talk about come up during the day.  This one popped up because, well it's Black Friday and my mother and I went shopping.


Recently I've realized that I suffer from a slight case of Body Dysmorphic Disorder.


See, the thing is that I know I'm small.  I'm 5'3 123lb.  I'm tiny.  I understand this.  But I don't feel it, most of the time.

I think it goes back to 5th and 6th grade.  I was one of the first girls I knew to develop.  I had boobs and hips before basically everyone else.  I was so used to being this stick thin person and then suddenly to not be  while all my friends still were was hard.  I started wearing big shirts to hide in.  I felt so much bigger than I was.  Even in High School I was still surrounded by girls who I thought were smaller than I was.  I didn't buy a jacket or hoodie that actually fit me until Freshman year in college.

I refused to wear shorts because once a girl had made a comment about how big my thighs were.


I wasn't until end of Freshman year in college that I really started to appreciate my body so to have it changing on me again is sending me for a loop.

Now, I love my body.  I do. But that doesn't mean I don't feel weird about it sometimes.


Now I have weighed the same for the last like 6 years, but I am actually smaller than I have ever been and it's because I'm more active than I have ever been.  I know that I'm not in trouble because I weigh the same, but the fact that I look so much smaller and I'm seeing it is crazy.

This still surprises me when I go shopping because I FEEL bigger than I am so when I see myself in the mirror I think I look anorexic.  Which scares me, even though I know I eat.

I don't know, I guess this is just about how even though I love my body I don't feel comfortable with it, or that at least I have a distorted view on how I look.


These posts are becoming less and less eloquent.

Whining

I feel like this is just a post of me whining but I don't really give a fuck.

I'm upset over stupid things.

I'm upset that I'm not going to go to ACTF in January.  I'm upset that my dad left to go on a cruise TODAY and I didn't get to have Thanksgiving dinner with him.  I'm upset that it feels like someone is avoiding me and I don't know why because I thought everything was cool but apparently it's not.

I'm upset because I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone to really want me, because for the last 4 years I've been told the same things over and over again "I don't think we should be seeing each other right now" or "I'm not ready for a relationship" or just flat out stopped talking to me.   The last one is what pisses me off the most though, the first two might suck for a bit but I can get over them and go on or back to being friends no problem, but to just stop talking to me with out explanation is just fucked up.

Most of all I'm upset for being upset.  I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY GOD DAMMIT.


Sorry about this post, it's rambly and short and a lot of pent up anger and emotion.  Not really what I wanted for this blog but I needed to get it out.

Frightfully Excited

So today I've had to keep reminding myself that I am writing this blog for me.

To help ME find out who I am.  To help ME be able to sort through things.   I'm not writing it for you, whoever you are.

The reason I have to keep reminding myself that is because I realized that I know some of you, in real life.  I don't know who exactly you are, or if you are actually reading these, but I know that some of you are people I consider friends.

And that scares me.

It scares me because I'm talking about things that usually never leave my thoughts.  I'm poring my heart (or mind rather) out, and obviously that's scary.  I'm terrified that you're going to judge me for it.  That you know I'm strange, but now you're seeing that it goes farther than that.   You're seeing that I have a twisted view on everything, myself especially.  You're seeing what I see, that I probably belong locked up.

Okay so that might be a slight over exaggeration but still, its sort of how I feel.  

It's also exciting, because I'm continuing this.  I'm not letting that stop me.   I am forcing myself to push past the fear and insecurity that keeps me from getting close to people.  Sure it might only be on the internet, but hey one step at a time right?

I can't decided if I want to know if you read this or not.  I guess, if you do read this and know me in person and you want to talk about something I write you can ask me or just let me know. 

Or not. 

Whatever works. 

If you choose not to tell me its fine, I'll continue writing as if you are all complete strangers.  If you do tell me, I hope I'll still be able to write as if you were a complete stranger.

Not So Great Expectations

 So it would seem like, at least for the near future,  I will be posting daily.   I have a few topics that I've been thinking about and the only problem is actually figuring out when to talk about them.

I chose this one today because of what happened that made me think about it.

I learned a long time ago not to set high expectations.  Yes, I did learn this the hard way.  I was constantly being disappointed by everything; friends, school, and life in general.


Recently I was made to feel like I was incredibly crazy for not expecting much from anything.

You set the bar low so that you're never disappointed, and when things go good it's a pleasant surprise.


The reason I do this with people is simple.  Everyone, or at least the vast majority, of people I know have in some way hurt me  or let me down.

In High School I had a hard time with people, most (all) didn't understand me and I didn't really know who I was.  I was being bullied, I was being harassed, I was being flat out ignored.  All by people who at one point or another were trusted friends.  So I have a hard time trusting people.  I've been told that it seems like I make friends easily, when really I just make acquaintances.  We're friendly and I have no problem talking to them or hanging out on campus but really, how well do they know me?  I don't let them know me, because I know that when they do they'll decide they don't want to be my friend and I'll get hurt.  Only one person hasn't run away and I am grateful everyday for her.  My family doesn't count, because they're forced to be around me.

About life in general.   I never expect good things to happen to me.  The best and most recent example is Irene Ryan nominations.  Basically, if you get nominated you get to go to the American College Theater Festival (ACTF) for free and compete.   I was told by several people I would be nominated, and I would have loved to have been, but I knew I wouldn't.  I know that the three people who were nominated would be nominated.  They're all amazing and deserved it, I can't even compare to them.  I let myself hope a little bit but every time I let myself think it could happen I would remind myself that it wasn't going to.  When it didn't, I wasn't disappointed.  I mean god I want to go to ACTF so badly, it's a great opportunity to learn from taking workshops and network by meeting people from all over the region, but like I said I didn't get my hopes up (and hey there is always next year).


Sure, when you think about it, it's depressing to live life this way but when you're already depressed it's better than constantly having your hopes crushed.  I'm used to being let down, doesn't meant I like it but I am  used to it.

Now here is a picture I took of a lemur, because this was a long and pretty depressing post.

Tired

I'm tired.

Not just physically but emotionally as well.

I'm now working two jobs, at 40+ hours a week, and going to school full time (with finals coming up mind you) as well as being in a Sorority.

Plus the added stress of being 20 years old.

Today is the second day that I started crying as soon as I was in my truck after class.


I have no reason to be upset.

I'm healthy, I have not just one job but two, I go to a decent school, I have friends and family and a house.

But god dammit I'm not happy.

I'm primarily an introvert and to much interaction with people is tiring for me, and emotionally I can't handle it.  I need time where I can spend an entire day to myself or with one other person and just not have to think or worry or be.

These last few weeks (months?) have been the opposite.  I have been on the go and almost constantly surrounded by people.  You couple that with the fact that I have had about 3 weeks of early mornings/late nights due to responsibilities and I literally can not handle it anymore.

Not to mention the fact that I suffer from clinical depression.

I just want to sleep, and not work or have school or responsibilities of any kind.  The last time I was able to experience that was when I took a vacation and went by myself to visit friends in Seattle.  I think I might do that again in January, provided I don't go to Nebraska.

An introduction

I was inspired to start this blog by Hank Green's video about how you create yourself, and that writing helps do that.

I used to use my tumblr as a life blog but, that changed and now I need something that can be distinctly my thoughts.


When I say thoughts, I really mean what ever I can coherently put into words.

The likely hood of those words actually turning into something coherent is very slim so I hope that, whomever you are who has decided to read this, hasn't set a high bar.

I never actually have a single train of thought, my thoughts are more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly thoughty woughty stuff.


I guarantee you there will be grammatical errors, and if it wasn't for spell check there would also be plenty of spelling errors.

Post will be random, sometimes multiple posts a week, sometimes only a few a month.  I will not hold my language because, curse words are flavorful and sometimes they're the only way to properly portray emotion.

If you know me personally, I hope this doesn't change the way you think of me or I hope it does.  Maybe it will help people understand me as I understand myself.


I know I'm not an easy person to get along with, and only a few people fully understand why.  I guess this is just going to be an attempt to let people see inside my brain.