Struggle

I couldn't come up with an attempt at a witty title today.

I know in my other posts I've said how I was pouring my mind/heart out into, and it's been true, but this post is probably the most intimate thing I'll ever post.

For about 11 years now I've been struggling with Clinical Depression.  I was put on anti-depressants but have been off of them for a few years now, having chosen to deal with it without them.

There are times when I forget that I have it.  I'm happy, nothing feels like its too much for me to handle, and life goes on.

Then there are times like right now.  I have no energy, I can't function.  I don't want to be around people, or read, or watch TV or do anything.  I don't eat, I'm not even hungry.

The scary part is that I get to the point where I stop caring about being alive.  Or I start wishing I would get hurt, or something else bad happen to me.  I think about it non-stop.


Back, sophomore year in High School, was the worst those thoughts had gotten.  I was incredibly suicidal and even planned out and almost attempted suicide.  Yet I never cut myself.  I never went through with anything.


A few people know about this, and I don't tell a lot because most people who find out treat me differently.  I hate the looks they give me.  I'm not crazy, but the way they look at me and treat me makes me feel like I am.

I feel like this might be one reason I don't have a lot of good relationships with people.  Platonic or romantic.


My mother likes to tell me that I'm afraid of commitment.  I don't think that's the case though, not fully.

I know that art of the reason is that if I were to get serious with someone, then I'd have to tell him about all of this.  He'd know what was really going on in my mind.  He'd think I was crazy too.  That terrifies me.

What I want is for him (whoever he turns out to be) to take my face in his hands, look me in the eyes, and tell me that its okay.  That I'm not crazy and that when I go into the moods where getting out of bed is a struggle he'll be there to do what ever I need him to.


Now for platonic, it's different because I just need friends who know this and don't let it change how they think of me, and who don't try and get me out or constantly ask me whats wrong and are just there for me.  To help me get through the crazy times where I get ridiculously emotional; whether it be sad, angry, or indifferent.


It's been getting harder for me to handle, but I will continue to fight it without medical intervention.  I just need for these things to happen.