A Letter

Dear Boy,

That's what I call you by the way, when I'm talking about you to my friend.   You probably wont read this, I don't know if you've read any of my post.  If you have, those posts weren't aimed directly at you.  Just at my interpretation of whats been happening to me when it comes to guys.

The reason I'm writing this 'letter' is because I need to get this off my mind, chest, and heart.  I'm writing this here because I'm a coward who can't say this to you straight up but needs to say it anyways.

I'm going to be extremely blunt.

I miss things.

  I miss you.  I miss flirting with you.  I miss you smiling at me.  I miss watching movies with you.  I miss talking through half of the movie with you.  I miss how our legs touch when we're just sitting next to each other on your couch watching movies.  I miss cuddling with you.  I miss kissing you.

But most of all though, I miss talking with you.

We might not have talked about a lot of deep and intelligent stuff but I still think we had great conversations. We talked about stupid things, and random things and nerdy things and fun things.  We talked about our families and friends and growing up.  We just talked.  I enjoyed it.

Now I know you said that you don't want, or cant have, a serious relationship right now.  I know I said that I was okay with it.  I thought I was.  Turns out I'm not because I couldn't stop myself from liking you.  I wanted to.  I wanted to separate my emotions but fuck it, it happened anyways.

You're the first guy in a long time that I have been able to be myself with.  I wasn't trying to be anyone else, or trying to impress you.  I was genuinely myself.

It's not your fault, of course, that I feel so horrible right now.  It's mine, but then again no one can really control who they like and lord knows I tried.

The thing that sucks the most though is that, despite all of this you've hardly acknowledged my existence in the last month.  At least that's what it feels like.  I'm sure you have your reasons for it but still.  It sucks and makes you seem like a dick when I know that you're not one.  I know that you're nice, and funny, and stupid and sweet and ridiculous but right sometimes I forget these because you've barely said anything to me lately.



If you do read this.  Well...I don't know I haven't really thought that much through.  If you have been reading these than you've been making no acknowledgement of it and you can continue to do so.  You can continue doing what you've been doing, things going back to before we got to know each other.  Or you can start being my friend because, while I think we'd be great together, I'd settle for having you as a friend because we'd be great friends too.  That's all I'm really asking.  Really.

You know where to find me.  Do with this what you will.  Like I said.  I needed to get this out, whether you read this or not.