Year in review

I haven't posted in months.

I haven't really needed to.  Or at least, I couldn't flesh out a topic enough to make it worth it, but seeing as it is the end of the year I thought, why not.

2013

Fuck yo, what a year.

I got a tattoo, which (especially at the time) was a huge thing because of my whole 'fear of commitment' cause I mean, not much is as permanent as a tattoo.

I experimented a lot with my hair, had bangs for all of like 2 months.

I was in a fantastic show.  So far Jake's Women was the best experience I have ever had being in a show.  The cast was amazing to work with, the crew was great, and the director was wonderful.  That was probably the hardest closing day I've ever done.

I quit a job, and then got two more jobs.  I worked three jobs on top of 18 credit hours, and being in a sorority and still somehow managed to have a social life.

I said goodbye to my wonderful Grandmother, who I still miss so much.  I made some amazing new friends, I gained more confidence in myself then I have ever had before.

I moved out of my parents house, and have successfully lived with roommates for 6 months.

I've taken more of my life into my own hands then ever before.

I had my heart broken, cried my eyes out, leaned on my friends and I survived.  I moved on and accepted it as a necessary step in life.

I got drunk, I danced, I saw so much theater.

I made a shit ton of new friends, who I hope will be in my life for a very long time.

I went on a date with a wonderful guy, and am now in a relationship with said guy.

It is hard to remember at times all of the good things that have happened this year, when you focus on the bad.  But looking back at pictures, and status and events.  2013 was a huge year for me, and you know...there isn't a lot of it I would change for the world.

Here's to 2014 being even bigger.

Gotta do it

Sometimes you just have to do things.

Even if you know that the thing you have to do is going to cause you a lot of pain.

I recently did something of that sort.  

I know that I needed to do it.  I had been told I needed to do it, and yet I dreaded doing it.

I knew the outcome.  Honestly I didn't expect anything else (I never expect something good to come out of anything, it's easier that way).  Yet it still hurt.  A lot.  I'm still hurting from it, and will probably hurt for a little while more.

The only blame I place is on myself because I know better.  Then again I only ever blame myself for things that really aren't my fault.  

I'm not really sure what I'm doing, or what I need to do anymore.  I'm not sure what my next step is or how to heal.   I'm not really sure of anything.  Except I know that I needed to do what I did to be able to move forward.

We'll see how it goes from here now.  I guess.

New things & old promises

Every semester brings about a lot of new things for everyone.

The one thing that is never new, are all of the people making promises to be a 'new them'.

There is nothing bad about this.

I've done it myself.

This semester I didn't though.

Yet it's already different, so much has changed.

I'm living away from my parents, and as much as I love them I can already tell how much better of a person it has made me.  I feel like I'm able to actually become an 'adult' or at least a more responsible child.

I got a new car, which is small and strange to drive since it's not a truck but its nice.

I can walk into the Theater building without feeling awkward because, while they might not all be friends, I can talk to just about anyone in there because we've made connections on at least some level.  I've also made some fantastic new friends who are just amazing.

I have hit a breakthrough with my acting, in that I need to stop over thinking about it and just do it.  This really applies to auditioning.  I used to freak out right up until I would go in, and then I would just go up on a line and forget everything.  But this time, I only freaked out the day before.  The day of I just forced myself to calm down, and to just be there.   I rocked my monologues (though I don't feel as good about the callbacks which is fine).

I also worked out, and I'm going to again tomorrow.

I'm taking steps to making sure that when I leave college in a year and a half I'm prepared and I know what I'm going to do, or at least that I know that I have the materials to go out there and be confident.  I'm working on finding myself some more.

I'm also just generally trying to have a better out look on life, and accept that shit happens, and that not everything is great but I'm not going let that stop me from pushing on.

Hanging out

I don't often make plans with people.

There are a few reasons.

One, because they almost always fall through.

Two, because no matter who the person is, no matter how 'close' we are.  I will always feel like they're hanging out with me out of pity.

Three, because if the plans don't fall through because of the other person, I come up with an excuse to cancel because I just am so uncomfortable around other people, all people, no matter who you are.


I'm in a constant state of feeling like people only hang out with me or pretend to like me because they feel obligated to, or because they feel bad for me.
This is part of the whole paranoia thing.

I cancel plans because I don't want to go through a few hours of being around people who I feel don't actually want to be around me.

I know, it's stupid, but  that doesn't mean I stop thinking that way.

The whole plans falling through thing doesn't really hep matters either.  Even if I'm given a perfectly good reason, I feel like they canceled because they don't want to hang out with me, which is 100% possible let's be real.

So like.  If I'm actually trying to make plans to hang out with someone, it's kind of significant. Like, it means I genuinely feel like we're friends.

Idk this has been a post about things.

Movie theater safe haven

I assume that most people's 'safe havens' are places like their room, or the library, or a park.

There isn't anything wrong with that, at times my room is my own safe haven.

At times my safe haven isn't even a place, its an object.  Its a book that I'm currently reading.  Or its a person that I need to be around.

One of my favorite safe havens though, is the movie theater.

Now I know there are tons of people who love going to the movies.  

But for me...idk. 

My first job was at the movie theater.  I worked there for over 2 years.  I always loved movies but until I worked at the theater I never really got to see them often.

Once I had access to free movies (almost unlimited) I went all the time.  I saw almost every single movie that came out in those 2.5 years.  Including the ones that no one had heard of and you'd be hard pressed to find a trailer for.

Sure sometimes I'd go with a friend or family member.

But most of the time I went by myself.  And at first I didn't like it much.  I tried to get people to go with me but no one was available when I wanted to go.

Then I started going alone more often and I got used to it.  There have been a few times where I as literally the only person in the theater.

Now I go see movies by myself on a regular basis.  I enjoy it.  That isn't saying I don't like seeing them with other people.

But it's become a place that I can go and just disappear to.  When I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or lonely I go see a movie.

Now I know how weird that seems, feeling lonely so I go see a movie by myself.  But if you look at it my way it makes sense.

I get so lost in a movie that I'm in it.  I get emotionally attached to everything about the movie. I even get sad when the previews are over (sometimes they're my favorite part).

I watch the movie without fear of being judged for how I react to parts of it.  I can cry in peace, I can laugh out loud at (sometimes  often) inappropriate moments.  

When I'm at a movie alone I can completely give myself over to the experience.  When I'm with someone, I am at all times aware of their presence.  That isn't always a bad thing, but I find that I tend to miss little things that most people don't notice and I love finding the little things.

For a few hours I'm allowed to disconnect from the world, hide, and not have to think about what's going on.

Also I just really love popcorn.

New beginning

So I moved out of my parents house the other day.

I now live in house with three other girls.

It's exciting but also weird.

It's new.  It's a beginning.  It will be an adventure and I'm ready for it.

I'm going to make this last.  I wont have to move back 'home'.  I'll be free to say what I want and do what I want and just BE what I want.

If I want to have friends over I can with out having to seek permission.  I can chill on the couch and drink without feeling judged.  I can have a guy over and not feel awkward.  I can keep my room as clean or as messy as I want.

Most of all though.  I can finally show them that I am not a child.

Yeah yeah  yeah I know parents always see their kids as their babies.  But there has to be a certain point where they start respecting you as an adult.  That time still hasn't come.  Now though...because they no longer have the power to tell me what to do, maybe they'll see that I can do it.  I can take care of myself and be responsible.

Sure there are still somethings I need to work on.  But that's part of growing up.

Let me be excited

I wish people would let other people be happy and excited with out trying to bring them down.

The best example I have for this right now is me moving.

Obviously I'm extremely excited because its the first time I'm moving out, and not into a dorm.

I'm excited to write my first check for my first months rent (I've never needed a check book but I have one now so yeah shut up I'm excited).

I'm excited to make my own rules, and take care of myself (which is basically just doing what every I want whenever I want).

I'm excited to finally just...you know LIVE.

The one thing that I keep hearing from people, when ever I tell them I'm excited, is the same fucking thing.

"Yeah you're excited now but wait until you have no money after paying all of your bills" or some version of that.

OBVIOUSLY I know that money is going to be a little bit tight.  I'm not going into this thinking I can continue living the way I've been living for the last 21 years.  I've already started to change my spending habits, and my eating habits.

I don't go out, I don't go to movies as often as I would like (which is difficult because I love movies), I don't buy unnessacary clothing items (or items at all anymore).

I work 3 jobs and decided to go places based on if I can spare the gas.

I'm very much aware of money.   I don't need people reminding me something I've been thinking about for the last several years.

So please, if someone is excited about things, let them be excited.  Don't burst their bubble just because your's was.

Tag along

No matter how old I get.  No matter what I do.  I will always feel like the annoying tag along.

I've never felt like I belonged in a group.   I've always felt like I was just...included because it was required.   Like my brother and his friends, or the other girls in my girl scout troupe.  They didn't want me there but they didn't really have a choice.

Every group of friends I've "been a part of" has always really been them, then me.  Everyone was always closer to the other people in the group...but no one was ever closer to me then anyone else.

Its been that way since I was 4 years old and its still that way at 21.

Sadly I guess I've always known this was the case.  Maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable in groups.

I always feel like I'm intruding and not wanted. 

Wow I'm having a break through in the middle of my break down...

I'm more likely to turn down invites to hang out with groups then I am to hang out with just one person.

God I just want someone to hold me.

I'm writing a lot of posts lately.  Maybe because I feel like I can't actually talk to anyone about this.  Because people think I'm crazy.  Because I mean come on.  Depression, anxiety, paranoia.  How can they not think I'm crazy.  It's getting harder to hide.  Its getting harder to get out of bed.  Fuck its getting harder to breathe.

I hate summer.  I hate it so much.  As much as I hate school its so much better because in the summer I have more opportunity to hide and avoid human interaction.  Every time I have to interact with someone after not being around people for a little while I come off as more crazed then usual.   

I'm amazed at how well everyone pretends to tolerate me.  I wish I could learn to tolerate myself.

Human Interaction

I don't do well with human interaction.
I don't do well with friends.
I don't do well with trust.
Fuck I don't even do well at life.

I have a really hard time trusting people.  Even my friends.  As much as I love them.

I can't really help it.  Being bullied for 13 years of your life, most of those bullies having been people I thought to be friends.

Friends tease each other, I get that but because of the bullying by so called 'friends'  I can't handle people making jokes at my expense.  I take them personally.  I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.

I also just don't know how to talk to people anymore.  It doesn't help that I'm paranoid that everybody is staring at me, judging me.  I know that its irrational but I can't help it.

I just want to be able to talk to people with out feeling stupid.  I want to not prefer my bed to society.  I want to be able to trust people.  This is probably my problem with ALL types of relationships.

Looking back

I just read a post I made back in early December.

About how I deserved better then how my life was going at the time.  One of the main points was I deserved better then to be treated how I was being treated.

I guess I had sort of made it a resolution of sorts to change that.  To not let people treat me like shit.

I guess I haven't really been doing a great job at it.

This has been a pretty bad year for my depression, since I was in a funk that lasted about 5 months.  I let people continue to disregard my feelings, or my thoughts, or even just me in general.

I'm pretty ashamed of that.  I always think of myself as a strong women.   Maybe thats because I'm stubborn but I come from a line of very strong women, on both sides of my family and right now I'm feeling like I'm letting them all down because of how much I'm letting my life happiness be dictated by other people.

Hopefully someday I'll learn to stop.  But right now I'm just struggling to survive.

It was also about how I deserved a man who wanted me for me.  That still hasn't happened yet either.  I'm still dealing with residual effects of the past few men to have hurt me.  More on that another time.

Drowning

Life isn't particularly interesting right now.

Yet I still feel like I'm drowning.

I know I've entered into another depressive funk.  I felt myself slip.  Everyday I lay down, exhausted after having done nothing all day.  I lay down and close my eyes and I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm not far from the surface, I can see the edge of land, its within reach.  The problem is I have not strength or motivation to lift my arms and pull myself out.   Even out of the metaphor I literally can't bring myself to move from my bed.

I just want to be happy.  I want to not be tired.  I need a lifesaver, someone or something to keep me afloat.  Obviously I haven't found it/them yet.

They/it need(s) to come along soon.  I don't know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Help needed

My grandmother passed away Wednesday.

Its been tough, and everyone is tired and there is so much to do and its stressing me out.

Over the course of the last few days  I have had a decent chunk of people tell me pretty much the same thing.

"If there is anything you need call me"

But.

How many of them would actually follow through with that?

Cause I need a lot of things.

I need someone to do everything my mother and aunt are having to do even though their mother just died. I need someone to give them a break so that I can stop worrying about them.  I need help to clean around the house, I need someone to make sure I eat, I need someone to just generally help out.  I need someone to hold me,  I need someone to keep me company at night because I can't sleep despite being tired. I need someone to take care of me.  I need this to be over.

Would anyone actually do any of those things though?

Lonely

I know I'm not supposed to say this.

I don't understand why its such a bad thing to say that you're lonely.

If its true then its true.

I am lonely.

Sure I have friends to hang out with, and people to talk with.

I'm fine during the day.

Its just that...at night when I'm actually alone.  I crave companionship.

I've been single for a long time.  I've dated sure but I haven't been in a relationship, not a real one.

Believe it or not though, I don't usually have a problem with being single.   I know some people who can not be single, they don't know how.  They go from relationship to relationship and its never "me" for them, always "we".

But lately, I don't know I guess I'm just tired of it.  So many of my friends are in happy relationships and I'm always the third wheel....or in some cases the 5th.

I just want someone to just be there for me, beyond friendship.  I want someone to curl up with at night,  to just kind of grin at.  Someone who texts me good morning or good night and thats it.    Someone who I can just sit in the room with and not have to be doing something together.  Just to be around.

I want to know what being loved feels like (other then by family) and I want to know if I can feel love for someone else.

But then again who am I kidding.  I wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship.

I'm just lonely.

Clarity

For the last...I don't know 4 months?  I've been in a depressive funk.

I actually hadn't realized how long it had lasted until I was out.

It ended just this last Wednesday.

I know that because it was the first time in a very long time that I didn't feel hopeless.

I had actually forgotten what it felt like to not be ruled by my depression and anxiety.

I've actually started to use the word clear to indicate that I'm out, because everything is clear.

Its like I've been living with this fog over everything and it sucked.  I can breathe again.  I can see again.  Hell I can feel things again.

I hope this lasts.  I enjoy it, feeling normal.  Though I wish it had happened a little bit earlier because now its finals week and I'm realizing just what I have to get done.

Something always brings be back

to you.

Some how everything road just goes back to you.

No matter how far I go, who I see, what I do, the plans I make, I always wind up thinking about you.  About us.    There never was an us.  Not really.  There probably never will be.

I know this.

I understand this.

Apparently I do not accept this.

Apparently deep down I'm hoping this isn't true.

In reality I barely know you.  If I did before I certainly don't now.

So why then do I keep coming back to you?  God I bet you rarely think of me.

I don't obsess over you, sure.  My thoughts of you don't get in the way of my pseudo relationships (pseudo because obviously none of them ever turn into real relationships).  They just always wind up back at you.

Maybe I'll figure it out someday.  Maybe someday, you'll help me.

Maybe.

Be patient with me

I know I'm difficult.

I know having me in your life is stressful.

I know that I'm not exactly the best person to be around.

But I desperately need you to be patient with me.

One of my biggest fears is people not liking me.

Losing all of my friends would kill me.

I've gone through it before.

I don't want to again.

I don't think I'll survive it.

Hell I'm not even sure how I'm surviving right now.

Nothing hurts more then those people who say you're a friend, and make you believe that they care about you and then suddenly, when you really need them.  They're gone.  They were just in it for themselves.

I don't need those people in my life anymore.  I don't want them.

I'm a horrible person.  I know this.  Why else do you think I avoid leaving my house/room/bed?  Why do you think I seclude myself when I have to go out in public?

I don't know how to be around people anymore.  Not without feeling like they all hate me, or don't even notice that I'm there.

Be patient with me as I re-learn such a seemingly simple human behavior.

Each day is a struggle for me to get through.  Every normal thought is sandwiched between thoughts of wanting to be back in my bed and trying not to cry/panic.

If I do something that is rude, or mean, or I blow you off, forget to text or call or respond.  Please please please understand that I don't mean to be that way.  Sometimes I just can't get my brain to work properly, to compose a coherent thought or even words.  Or I cant get my fingers to move to type those words, or even my body to move to pick up my phone, or my head.

I don't mean to be inconsiderate.  I don't meant to be anything.  I'm just trying to get through the week, day, hour, minute.

Friendship?

What I really want to write about right is really passive aggressive and something that the person I want to write about does so I'm not going to do it.  Instead I'm going to write about how I feel about friends.

Now, I have had a lot of 'friends' throughout my life.  Friends is in quotation marks because well...when I look back on those "friendships" they're not way friendships are supposed to be.

Most of them are very one sided.  Me caring about them and listening to them and all of their problems and them not ever asking me about mine, or what is wrong, or trying to help me through things (even if its just watching TV with me).  I consider these to be selfish "friends".

Some of them have been amazingly abusive.  Where someone will say they're my friend and then in a split second do a 180 and start saying shit about me, to me, calling me names like stupid, and just generally being a bully to me.  Then act like they didn't do anything wrong.  This one is harder to spot sometimes because they'll do it in a 'joking' voice but actually mean it, or they'll do things subtly and because I'm so desperate for their friendship I'll just ignore it.  This is what the majority of my 'friends' in high school were.

Then you have those who are both.  Yes, I have experienced both of these things from individual people.  They are the worst things to ever happen to me but, because I feel the overwhelming need to be their friends I let them do it to me.

I'm not a very trusting person...or I am I don't really know which.  When it comes to friends, I desperately want everyone to like me, even just a little bit.  The problem is that, I'll let people treat me like shit.

I really need to stop doing this though because, well because it obviously doesn't help when I already have to fight against having suicidal thoughts 60% of the time.  I need to only surround myself with people who will lift up, not pull me down (or call me names or insult me or any of the other number of things).  The problem is is that, I'm already terrified of being alone, and even though I have 1 person I know for sure will be there for me to lift me up,  I fell like 1 isn't enough.

Now that 1 person, its not that she doesn't say mean things to me.  We say things to each other most people wouldn't say to their best friend.   People would say that we're brutally honest with each other but we've known each other for years and we know that anything we say will not be taken wrong.  It's hard to explain, even to each other.  But I know that she's their for me, and I know that she really truly cares about me.  As I am and do for her.  Ours is a 50/50 friendship (sometimes 60/40 when the need arises) and I wouldn't be alive with out it. 

God I need to start going to therapy.

Being Forgotten

I have a long list of topics I plan on writing about but I'm really busy at the moment with rehearsals but this was something I just wanted to post.

It always seems to me, that after a relationship of mine ends, the guys just forget about me.  Like I was never there to begin with, and I really want to know how they forget about me so easily.  So apparently when I contemplate this, I write a poem like thing.

It’s hard not to ask you
How you forgot me.
I wonder everyday
How easy was it for you
To forget the smell of my hair
And the taste of my lips
And the sound of my breath
When it was quiet
 I want to ask so that
I can forget too
The way your hair felt
When I ran my hands through it
Or the way your arms tensed
When my fingers grazed them
I want to forget the way
you grinned when you were tired
I want to forget you

So yeah.  Its stupid.

Accomplishment

Often I say I'm going to do something, and then never do.

Either I'm gonna start working out, or I'm going to clean my room, or start dressing better, stop spending money, craft something, paint something move something.

The list of things I say I'm going to do is endless.

There are so many projects, stories, things that I have started and yet never finished.  I have stories I've written years ago that I just stop writing after a few chapters and then never go back to.

Its a problem and I always hate myself because of it.

But that ends today.  For the first time ever (and I mean ever) I have finished a project that I set out to do.  Its nothing big, in fact its quiet silly when I think about how excited I am about it.

Months ago, I don't actually remember when but months ago, I found an old bed side dresser on craigslist.  It was free so I decided, why not I'll go and get it and fix it up, paint it make it look nice.  I mean I've been using an old stereo as a bedside table for the last like 5 years.

My step dad sanded it and got it ready for me to paint, we got the paint but due to how cold its been I haven't been able to do anything with it.  Finally though it was warm enough for me to paint it.

After about 2 weeks of painting whenever it was warm enough  I have finally finished it.

It is now settled in my room next to my bed.

I love it.  I couldn't be more proud of it.  Or of myself.

I finally finished something.

Finally.

Here are some pictures!  I don't have any of it before because I didn't think about it.

This is what I had been using

This is it what I'm now using.  The color is off because of lighting but its a nice, robins egg blue(ish) color

I painted the inside of the drawers a different color because I liked the idea.  Its sort of a sea foam/mint green.

And this is the finished product, in its proper place.

I even kept the original handles and I'm really happy I did because they look really good.

Its stupid I know.  But I'm really proud of it.  Because I have a real problem with follow through.

A healthy choice

So in my last post I talked about how I was thinking about going to see a psychiatrist and if necessary going back to taking medication to help control my depression and anxiety.

After a lot of thought, and consulting with friends and family, I have decided that it is the best thing for me to do right now.

I want to get better, I need to get better, but I'm not able to do it alone.

As hard as I've tried the last few years to not need help.

I have failed and that's okay.

There is nothing wrong with needing help.  I understand that the main problem is that I have a chemical imbalance which causes my mood to shift downward.  I understand that medicine is a way to handle it.

It is not something to be ashamed of.  It is not something to be embarrassed by.


I am determined to get better.  I am determined to be happy.

Big Decision

I need a break.

I need  a break from feeling sad all of the time.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm worthless and like there is no future for me.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, and worrying about things that I don't need to worry about yet.

I am also just literally tired.  I'm not getting sleep at night because my anxiety keeps acting up which makes it hard to fall asleep which means I'm tired through out the day which makes me fall asleep with out meaning to which means I have a hard time falling asleep again.  Even if I do make it through the day without taking a nap I still can't fall asleep at night, no matter how tired I am.

My anxiety is getting worse.  My depression isn't lightening up.  I don't need this to affect my grades any more then it has been.

I need this to stop.

I'm thinking pretty seriously about going back to see a psychiatrist, and if prompted going back on medication.


As much as I don't want to, because the idea of being reliant on medication is terrifying (also I don't like how they made me feel the last time I was on them),  I think that right now it would be what is best for me.


I'm not sure yet.

Life overhaul

A new year always brings about feeling that people need to make a new version of themselves.

I am not exempt from this.

Though this year I've decided not to change myself as much as I have decided to change my environment.   Anything that I can change I will change.

I've gone through my closet and have gotten rid of a bunch of clothes that I no longer wear,  I'm hanging things up in my room in hopes of brightening it up (I decided when I moved into my room to paint it shades of grey because I was going to do this whole black and white film thing but that was never fully realized).

I'm starting a postcard wall, to remind me of all of the places I need to go.  I"m going to buy new bedding, possibly rearrange the furniture, add more furniture, basically redo my room.

I've gotten a tattoo, I'm changing my clothes, my hair, the way I attack things, and the way I associate with people.

So I guess in a way I'm changing myself too.

I'm also going to read more. 

I love reading, always have.  I used to read at least 50 books a year (probably more I don't know I never counted) now I hardly read.  I'm going to read more and spend less time on the computer (its taking up too much of my reading time.)

I also hope to pick up a new skill and travel more.

A new year. A new promise. A new me.

2012 ended.

I can't say I'm going to miss it, but I don't regret anything that happened in it.

Though I do know that, with this new year I'm going to be making a few changes.

I'm not making any resolutions because I always break them.

What I'm doing is making goals.  Which I realize are basically the same thing but the difference is mine is going to be more general.  Not going to put specifics in them.

I'm going to be happier, healthier, I'm going to open myself up to love more, I'm going to laugh and dance and drink and be young, I'm not going to stress myself out.

I guess there is one thing that is going to be specific.

I'm going to stop with the self deprecation.  It doesn't me any good and I'm tired of being down on myself.

I'm going to take more chance, and go more places.

I'm going to be more organized, and plan for the future while also living in the moment.

I'm going to make 2013 better than 2012.