I've never felt like I belonged in a group. I've always felt like I was just...included because it was required. Like my brother and his friends, or the other girls in my girl scout troupe. They didn't want me there but they didn't really have a choice.
Every group of friends I've "been a part of" has always really been them, then me. Everyone was always closer to the other people in the group...but no one was ever closer to me then anyone else.
Its been that way since I was 4 years old and its still that way at 21.
Sadly I guess I've always known this was the case. Maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable in groups.
I always feel like I'm intruding and not wanted.
Wow I'm having a break through in the middle of my break down...
I'm more likely to turn down invites to hang out with groups then I am to hang out with just one person.
God I just want someone to hold me.
I'm writing a lot of posts lately. Maybe because I feel like I can't actually talk to anyone about this. Because people think I'm crazy. Because I mean come on. Depression, anxiety, paranoia. How can they not think I'm crazy. It's getting harder to hide. Its getting harder to get out of bed. Fuck its getting harder to breathe.
I hate summer. I hate it so much. As much as I hate school its so much better because in the summer I have more opportunity to hide and avoid human interaction. Every time I have to interact with someone after not being around people for a little while I come off as more crazed then usual.
I'm amazed at how well everyone pretends to tolerate me. I wish I could learn to tolerate myself.
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