Friendship?

What I really want to write about right is really passive aggressive and something that the person I want to write about does so I'm not going to do it.  Instead I'm going to write about how I feel about friends.

Now, I have had a lot of 'friends' throughout my life.  Friends is in quotation marks because well...when I look back on those "friendships" they're not way friendships are supposed to be.

Most of them are very one sided.  Me caring about them and listening to them and all of their problems and them not ever asking me about mine, or what is wrong, or trying to help me through things (even if its just watching TV with me).  I consider these to be selfish "friends".

Some of them have been amazingly abusive.  Where someone will say they're my friend and then in a split second do a 180 and start saying shit about me, to me, calling me names like stupid, and just generally being a bully to me.  Then act like they didn't do anything wrong.  This one is harder to spot sometimes because they'll do it in a 'joking' voice but actually mean it, or they'll do things subtly and because I'm so desperate for their friendship I'll just ignore it.  This is what the majority of my 'friends' in high school were.

Then you have those who are both.  Yes, I have experienced both of these things from individual people.  They are the worst things to ever happen to me but, because I feel the overwhelming need to be their friends I let them do it to me.

I'm not a very trusting person...or I am I don't really know which.  When it comes to friends, I desperately want everyone to like me, even just a little bit.  The problem is that, I'll let people treat me like shit.

I really need to stop doing this though because, well because it obviously doesn't help when I already have to fight against having suicidal thoughts 60% of the time.  I need to only surround myself with people who will lift up, not pull me down (or call me names or insult me or any of the other number of things).  The problem is is that, I'm already terrified of being alone, and even though I have 1 person I know for sure will be there for me to lift me up,  I fell like 1 isn't enough.

Now that 1 person, its not that she doesn't say mean things to me.  We say things to each other most people wouldn't say to their best friend.   People would say that we're brutally honest with each other but we've known each other for years and we know that anything we say will not be taken wrong.  It's hard to explain, even to each other.  But I know that she's their for me, and I know that she really truly cares about me.  As I am and do for her.  Ours is a 50/50 friendship (sometimes 60/40 when the need arises) and I wouldn't be alive with out it. 

God I need to start going to therapy.