A New Path

There have been a number a changes happening in my life this month, and its not even at the half way point.

I'm no longer an collegiate member of my sorority, which was been a huge part of my life for the last 3 years. Friday I had my last even with them, I am now fully an alumnae.

The best job I have ever had closed, hopefully to reopen but currently on hiatus.  The people I met there have become like a family to me.  They've inspired me, they've encouraged me, they've teased me, and they've made that last year so great.  My heart broke when I got the news.

I've moved back in with my parents.  I didn't want to, I still don't want to be living here.  But ultimately its going to be for the best.  I don't have to stress about making rent, I have a chance to catch back up on my finances and I can start saving money for my big move next year.


I don't usually do well with change.  I can barely handle one big change in my life, let alone three.  While it's all a little (extremely) overwhelming, I'm fighting through.  I'm not going to let these things get the best of me.

Yes I need to reevaluate my life and what I'm going to do the next year to keep myself from going back to the person I was three years ago.   I know that because of the things that are no longer with me I'm a much stronger person, and much more determined.

God this all just goes to show that I really am growing up.  Gross.

Grudges

I do not hold grudges.

I don't.  It may seem like I do sometimes but I don't.

I just don't forgive people easily.  Especially those who I trusted.

See, I have certain issues.  Mainly with trust.  I have been stabbed in the back too many times in my life by people I thought were friends, people I trusted.   So I don't trust quickly, sometimes at all.

If you happen to be a person that I trust, consider it to be a very lucky and rare thing.

I have tried, in recent years, to trust people more.  Trust them to care for me, trust them to not hurt me, trust them to not lie to me.  Sometimes it has worked for me.  I have gained some amazing relationships from doing this.   Unfortunately the majority of the time it has come back and bit me in the ass.

I do not keep my trust issues a secret.  Not anymore.   I'm generally up front with people, possible romantic interests in particular because I want them to know what their getting into.

First people have to earn my trust, which is normal for pretty much everyone.  It just might take a little longer with me.  Once you have it, you must never break it because my trust is not something that can be fixed, ever.

So I do not hold grudges, but if I trusted you and you knew about my issues with trust...then chances are I wont forgive you.  I don't give second chances.

Changes

Sometimes I forget how quickly things can change in one's life.

My life is currently in a state of flux.  Changing jobs, changing relationships, changing perspectives on the world and myself.

With everything seeming so up in the air right now I'm finding it hard to focus on anything which is causing problems in a lot of aspects.  But I'm also forcing myself to buckle down and get shit done that needs to be done.  I'm taking more charge of my life, I'm being more vocal about how I feel and what I want, and I'm trying new things.

I've also come to discover that, while I know how to be single and while I can an enjoy being single., my recently ended relationship taught me a lot about myself I didn't really know (or at least acknowledge) before.  One, I don't like waking up alone and I apparently sleep better if I'm not alone.  Two (as pointed out by one of my closest friends) I put my whole heart into things, especially relationships with people.  This doesn't mean that I love everybody right away.  It just means that I will make sure you know how important you are to me, and I will do whatever I can to make you happy.  Three: I need someone who will do the same for me.  I need someone who lets me know I'm important and how they feel about me and that they want me to be happy.    Finally I also realized (or accepted) that I need to focus on a lot of other things first, and that as much as I would love the perks relationships have to offer, if I am going to go anywhere with my acting career I need to put that first and fight for it.  I'm okay with that.

I'm also coming to terms with a lot of things I've been struggling with for many years.  Since I'm still trying to figure them out I'm not going to really talk about some of them here, not yet.  Others, like the fact that I am a strong, independent, stubborn women who is tired of taking people's shit, is something that is going to be seen more often.

All in all I think I've made a huge step in "growing up" whatever the fuck that means.   I'm finally beginning to accept that change happens, and that I can fight it if I want and sometimes I need to, or I can help it, and push it.

Not a good start

Well 2014 isn't off to a great start.

But it also isn't off to a terrible start.

I just hope that the thing that not good doesn't continue past January.

I was informed today by my boss (of the job that decided to be closed for two weeks) that I will only be working Wednesdays because he can't work around my college schedule any more.   This confuses me because I'm still on break, and also I only have class two days a week.  TWO DAYS A WEEK HOW THE FUCK IS THAT HARD TO WORK AROUND.

So yeah I'm quitting as soon as I change my other job from floor set to Sales.

I'm livid.   I hate the job but it pays really well and I need the extra money.  But hopefully I'll be better in the long run without it.

Looking at the positives.  No more horrible boss, no more stress, no more waking up at 5:00 am every day. I'll only have 2 jobs instead of 3...though I'm probably going to try and find a third one again.

Year in review

I haven't posted in months.

I haven't really needed to.  Or at least, I couldn't flesh out a topic enough to make it worth it, but seeing as it is the end of the year I thought, why not.

2013

Fuck yo, what a year.

I got a tattoo, which (especially at the time) was a huge thing because of my whole 'fear of commitment' cause I mean, not much is as permanent as a tattoo.

I experimented a lot with my hair, had bangs for all of like 2 months.

I was in a fantastic show.  So far Jake's Women was the best experience I have ever had being in a show.  The cast was amazing to work with, the crew was great, and the director was wonderful.  That was probably the hardest closing day I've ever done.

I quit a job, and then got two more jobs.  I worked three jobs on top of 18 credit hours, and being in a sorority and still somehow managed to have a social life.

I said goodbye to my wonderful Grandmother, who I still miss so much.  I made some amazing new friends, I gained more confidence in myself then I have ever had before.

I moved out of my parents house, and have successfully lived with roommates for 6 months.

I've taken more of my life into my own hands then ever before.

I had my heart broken, cried my eyes out, leaned on my friends and I survived.  I moved on and accepted it as a necessary step in life.

I got drunk, I danced, I saw so much theater.

I made a shit ton of new friends, who I hope will be in my life for a very long time.

I went on a date with a wonderful guy, and am now in a relationship with said guy.

It is hard to remember at times all of the good things that have happened this year, when you focus on the bad.  But looking back at pictures, and status and events.  2013 was a huge year for me, and you know...there isn't a lot of it I would change for the world.

Here's to 2014 being even bigger.

Gotta do it

Sometimes you just have to do things.

Even if you know that the thing you have to do is going to cause you a lot of pain.

I recently did something of that sort.  

I know that I needed to do it.  I had been told I needed to do it, and yet I dreaded doing it.

I knew the outcome.  Honestly I didn't expect anything else (I never expect something good to come out of anything, it's easier that way).  Yet it still hurt.  A lot.  I'm still hurting from it, and will probably hurt for a little while more.

The only blame I place is on myself because I know better.  Then again I only ever blame myself for things that really aren't my fault.  

I'm not really sure what I'm doing, or what I need to do anymore.  I'm not sure what my next step is or how to heal.   I'm not really sure of anything.  Except I know that I needed to do what I did to be able to move forward.

We'll see how it goes from here now.  I guess.

New things & old promises

Every semester brings about a lot of new things for everyone.

The one thing that is never new, are all of the people making promises to be a 'new them'.

There is nothing bad about this.

I've done it myself.

This semester I didn't though.

Yet it's already different, so much has changed.

I'm living away from my parents, and as much as I love them I can already tell how much better of a person it has made me.  I feel like I'm able to actually become an 'adult' or at least a more responsible child.

I got a new car, which is small and strange to drive since it's not a truck but its nice.

I can walk into the Theater building without feeling awkward because, while they might not all be friends, I can talk to just about anyone in there because we've made connections on at least some level.  I've also made some fantastic new friends who are just amazing.

I have hit a breakthrough with my acting, in that I need to stop over thinking about it and just do it.  This really applies to auditioning.  I used to freak out right up until I would go in, and then I would just go up on a line and forget everything.  But this time, I only freaked out the day before.  The day of I just forced myself to calm down, and to just be there.   I rocked my monologues (though I don't feel as good about the callbacks which is fine).

I also worked out, and I'm going to again tomorrow.

I'm taking steps to making sure that when I leave college in a year and a half I'm prepared and I know what I'm going to do, or at least that I know that I have the materials to go out there and be confident.  I'm working on finding myself some more.

I'm also just generally trying to have a better out look on life, and accept that shit happens, and that not everything is great but I'm not going let that stop me from pushing on.

Hanging out

I don't often make plans with people.

There are a few reasons.

One, because they almost always fall through.

Two, because no matter who the person is, no matter how 'close' we are.  I will always feel like they're hanging out with me out of pity.

Three, because if the plans don't fall through because of the other person, I come up with an excuse to cancel because I just am so uncomfortable around other people, all people, no matter who you are.


I'm in a constant state of feeling like people only hang out with me or pretend to like me because they feel obligated to, or because they feel bad for me.
This is part of the whole paranoia thing.

I cancel plans because I don't want to go through a few hours of being around people who I feel don't actually want to be around me.

I know, it's stupid, but  that doesn't mean I stop thinking that way.

The whole plans falling through thing doesn't really hep matters either.  Even if I'm given a perfectly good reason, I feel like they canceled because they don't want to hang out with me, which is 100% possible let's be real.

So like.  If I'm actually trying to make plans to hang out with someone, it's kind of significant. Like, it means I genuinely feel like we're friends.

Idk this has been a post about things.

Movie theater safe haven

I assume that most people's 'safe havens' are places like their room, or the library, or a park.

There isn't anything wrong with that, at times my room is my own safe haven.

At times my safe haven isn't even a place, its an object.  Its a book that I'm currently reading.  Or its a person that I need to be around.

One of my favorite safe havens though, is the movie theater.

Now I know there are tons of people who love going to the movies.  

But for me...idk. 

My first job was at the movie theater.  I worked there for over 2 years.  I always loved movies but until I worked at the theater I never really got to see them often.

Once I had access to free movies (almost unlimited) I went all the time.  I saw almost every single movie that came out in those 2.5 years.  Including the ones that no one had heard of and you'd be hard pressed to find a trailer for.

Sure sometimes I'd go with a friend or family member.

But most of the time I went by myself.  And at first I didn't like it much.  I tried to get people to go with me but no one was available when I wanted to go.

Then I started going alone more often and I got used to it.  There have been a few times where I as literally the only person in the theater.

Now I go see movies by myself on a regular basis.  I enjoy it.  That isn't saying I don't like seeing them with other people.

But it's become a place that I can go and just disappear to.  When I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or lonely I go see a movie.

Now I know how weird that seems, feeling lonely so I go see a movie by myself.  But if you look at it my way it makes sense.

I get so lost in a movie that I'm in it.  I get emotionally attached to everything about the movie. I even get sad when the previews are over (sometimes they're my favorite part).

I watch the movie without fear of being judged for how I react to parts of it.  I can cry in peace, I can laugh out loud at (sometimes  often) inappropriate moments.  

When I'm at a movie alone I can completely give myself over to the experience.  When I'm with someone, I am at all times aware of their presence.  That isn't always a bad thing, but I find that I tend to miss little things that most people don't notice and I love finding the little things.

For a few hours I'm allowed to disconnect from the world, hide, and not have to think about what's going on.

Also I just really love popcorn.

New beginning

So I moved out of my parents house the other day.

I now live in house with three other girls.

It's exciting but also weird.

It's new.  It's a beginning.  It will be an adventure and I'm ready for it.

I'm going to make this last.  I wont have to move back 'home'.  I'll be free to say what I want and do what I want and just BE what I want.

If I want to have friends over I can with out having to seek permission.  I can chill on the couch and drink without feeling judged.  I can have a guy over and not feel awkward.  I can keep my room as clean or as messy as I want.

Most of all though.  I can finally show them that I am not a child.

Yeah yeah  yeah I know parents always see their kids as their babies.  But there has to be a certain point where they start respecting you as an adult.  That time still hasn't come.  Now though...because they no longer have the power to tell me what to do, maybe they'll see that I can do it.  I can take care of myself and be responsible.

Sure there are still somethings I need to work on.  But that's part of growing up.

Let me be excited

I wish people would let other people be happy and excited with out trying to bring them down.

The best example I have for this right now is me moving.

Obviously I'm extremely excited because its the first time I'm moving out, and not into a dorm.

I'm excited to write my first check for my first months rent (I've never needed a check book but I have one now so yeah shut up I'm excited).

I'm excited to make my own rules, and take care of myself (which is basically just doing what every I want whenever I want).

I'm excited to finally just...you know LIVE.

The one thing that I keep hearing from people, when ever I tell them I'm excited, is the same fucking thing.

"Yeah you're excited now but wait until you have no money after paying all of your bills" or some version of that.

OBVIOUSLY I know that money is going to be a little bit tight.  I'm not going into this thinking I can continue living the way I've been living for the last 21 years.  I've already started to change my spending habits, and my eating habits.

I don't go out, I don't go to movies as often as I would like (which is difficult because I love movies), I don't buy unnessacary clothing items (or items at all anymore).

I work 3 jobs and decided to go places based on if I can spare the gas.

I'm very much aware of money.   I don't need people reminding me something I've been thinking about for the last several years.

So please, if someone is excited about things, let them be excited.  Don't burst their bubble just because your's was.

Tag along

No matter how old I get.  No matter what I do.  I will always feel like the annoying tag along.

I've never felt like I belonged in a group.   I've always felt like I was just...included because it was required.   Like my brother and his friends, or the other girls in my girl scout troupe.  They didn't want me there but they didn't really have a choice.

Every group of friends I've "been a part of" has always really been them, then me.  Everyone was always closer to the other people in the group...but no one was ever closer to me then anyone else.

Its been that way since I was 4 years old and its still that way at 21.

Sadly I guess I've always known this was the case.  Maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable in groups.

I always feel like I'm intruding and not wanted. 

Wow I'm having a break through in the middle of my break down...

I'm more likely to turn down invites to hang out with groups then I am to hang out with just one person.

God I just want someone to hold me.

I'm writing a lot of posts lately.  Maybe because I feel like I can't actually talk to anyone about this.  Because people think I'm crazy.  Because I mean come on.  Depression, anxiety, paranoia.  How can they not think I'm crazy.  It's getting harder to hide.  Its getting harder to get out of bed.  Fuck its getting harder to breathe.

I hate summer.  I hate it so much.  As much as I hate school its so much better because in the summer I have more opportunity to hide and avoid human interaction.  Every time I have to interact with someone after not being around people for a little while I come off as more crazed then usual.   

I'm amazed at how well everyone pretends to tolerate me.  I wish I could learn to tolerate myself.

Human Interaction

I don't do well with human interaction.
I don't do well with friends.
I don't do well with trust.
Fuck I don't even do well at life.

I have a really hard time trusting people.  Even my friends.  As much as I love them.

I can't really help it.  Being bullied for 13 years of your life, most of those bullies having been people I thought to be friends.

Friends tease each other, I get that but because of the bullying by so called 'friends'  I can't handle people making jokes at my expense.  I take them personally.  I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.

I also just don't know how to talk to people anymore.  It doesn't help that I'm paranoid that everybody is staring at me, judging me.  I know that its irrational but I can't help it.

I just want to be able to talk to people with out feeling stupid.  I want to not prefer my bed to society.  I want to be able to trust people.  This is probably my problem with ALL types of relationships.

Looking back

I just read a post I made back in early December.

About how I deserved better then how my life was going at the time.  One of the main points was I deserved better then to be treated how I was being treated.

I guess I had sort of made it a resolution of sorts to change that.  To not let people treat me like shit.

I guess I haven't really been doing a great job at it.

This has been a pretty bad year for my depression, since I was in a funk that lasted about 5 months.  I let people continue to disregard my feelings, or my thoughts, or even just me in general.

I'm pretty ashamed of that.  I always think of myself as a strong women.   Maybe thats because I'm stubborn but I come from a line of very strong women, on both sides of my family and right now I'm feeling like I'm letting them all down because of how much I'm letting my life happiness be dictated by other people.

Hopefully someday I'll learn to stop.  But right now I'm just struggling to survive.

It was also about how I deserved a man who wanted me for me.  That still hasn't happened yet either.  I'm still dealing with residual effects of the past few men to have hurt me.  More on that another time.

Drowning

Life isn't particularly interesting right now.

Yet I still feel like I'm drowning.

I know I've entered into another depressive funk.  I felt myself slip.  Everyday I lay down, exhausted after having done nothing all day.  I lay down and close my eyes and I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm not far from the surface, I can see the edge of land, its within reach.  The problem is I have not strength or motivation to lift my arms and pull myself out.   Even out of the metaphor I literally can't bring myself to move from my bed.

I just want to be happy.  I want to not be tired.  I need a lifesaver, someone or something to keep me afloat.  Obviously I haven't found it/them yet.

They/it need(s) to come along soon.  I don't know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Help needed

My grandmother passed away Wednesday.

Its been tough, and everyone is tired and there is so much to do and its stressing me out.

Over the course of the last few days  I have had a decent chunk of people tell me pretty much the same thing.

"If there is anything you need call me"

But.

How many of them would actually follow through with that?

Cause I need a lot of things.

I need someone to do everything my mother and aunt are having to do even though their mother just died. I need someone to give them a break so that I can stop worrying about them.  I need help to clean around the house, I need someone to make sure I eat, I need someone to just generally help out.  I need someone to hold me,  I need someone to keep me company at night because I can't sleep despite being tired. I need someone to take care of me.  I need this to be over.

Would anyone actually do any of those things though?

Lonely

I know I'm not supposed to say this.

I don't understand why its such a bad thing to say that you're lonely.

If its true then its true.

I am lonely.

Sure I have friends to hang out with, and people to talk with.

I'm fine during the day.

Its just that...at night when I'm actually alone.  I crave companionship.

I've been single for a long time.  I've dated sure but I haven't been in a relationship, not a real one.

Believe it or not though, I don't usually have a problem with being single.   I know some people who can not be single, they don't know how.  They go from relationship to relationship and its never "me" for them, always "we".

But lately, I don't know I guess I'm just tired of it.  So many of my friends are in happy relationships and I'm always the third wheel....or in some cases the 5th.

I just want someone to just be there for me, beyond friendship.  I want someone to curl up with at night,  to just kind of grin at.  Someone who texts me good morning or good night and thats it.    Someone who I can just sit in the room with and not have to be doing something together.  Just to be around.

I want to know what being loved feels like (other then by family) and I want to know if I can feel love for someone else.

But then again who am I kidding.  I wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship.

I'm just lonely.

Clarity

For the last...I don't know 4 months?  I've been in a depressive funk.

I actually hadn't realized how long it had lasted until I was out.

It ended just this last Wednesday.

I know that because it was the first time in a very long time that I didn't feel hopeless.

I had actually forgotten what it felt like to not be ruled by my depression and anxiety.

I've actually started to use the word clear to indicate that I'm out, because everything is clear.

Its like I've been living with this fog over everything and it sucked.  I can breathe again.  I can see again.  Hell I can feel things again.

I hope this lasts.  I enjoy it, feeling normal.  Though I wish it had happened a little bit earlier because now its finals week and I'm realizing just what I have to get done.

Something always brings be back

to you.

Some how everything road just goes back to you.

No matter how far I go, who I see, what I do, the plans I make, I always wind up thinking about you.  About us.    There never was an us.  Not really.  There probably never will be.

I know this.

I understand this.

Apparently I do not accept this.

Apparently deep down I'm hoping this isn't true.

In reality I barely know you.  If I did before I certainly don't now.

So why then do I keep coming back to you?  God I bet you rarely think of me.

I don't obsess over you, sure.  My thoughts of you don't get in the way of my pseudo relationships (pseudo because obviously none of them ever turn into real relationships).  They just always wind up back at you.

Maybe I'll figure it out someday.  Maybe someday, you'll help me.

Maybe.

Be patient with me

I know I'm difficult.

I know having me in your life is stressful.

I know that I'm not exactly the best person to be around.

But I desperately need you to be patient with me.

One of my biggest fears is people not liking me.

Losing all of my friends would kill me.

I've gone through it before.

I don't want to again.

I don't think I'll survive it.

Hell I'm not even sure how I'm surviving right now.

Nothing hurts more then those people who say you're a friend, and make you believe that they care about you and then suddenly, when you really need them.  They're gone.  They were just in it for themselves.

I don't need those people in my life anymore.  I don't want them.

I'm a horrible person.  I know this.  Why else do you think I avoid leaving my house/room/bed?  Why do you think I seclude myself when I have to go out in public?

I don't know how to be around people anymore.  Not without feeling like they all hate me, or don't even notice that I'm there.

Be patient with me as I re-learn such a seemingly simple human behavior.

Each day is a struggle for me to get through.  Every normal thought is sandwiched between thoughts of wanting to be back in my bed and trying not to cry/panic.

If I do something that is rude, or mean, or I blow you off, forget to text or call or respond.  Please please please understand that I don't mean to be that way.  Sometimes I just can't get my brain to work properly, to compose a coherent thought or even words.  Or I cant get my fingers to move to type those words, or even my body to move to pick up my phone, or my head.

I don't mean to be inconsiderate.  I don't meant to be anything.  I'm just trying to get through the week, day, hour, minute.