My Perfect Guy?

Doesn't exist

Okay so I was challenged by a friend, who did this on her own blog, to write a post about what makes up my ideal guy/ what I find attractive.

I've been thinking about this for a few days now, and can't really seem to come up with things.

I'd say I have a 'type' but seeing as how that type hasn't been working for me, I should probably stop.

I guess I'll start with the physical.

• Tall (I'm 5'3 so it's not difficult but I really like guys taller than 5'8)
• Good arms, I have this thing about really nice arms (and backs too don't ask me why cause I'm not sure (but I am not a fan of the body builder type of physique))
• Eyes: I like a guy who has bright eyes.  This doesn't mean blue or light colored, they just need to capture my attention.

Personality wise, I don't know.  I like a goofy guy who isn't afraid to act like a child but can be mature when needed.  I love nerdy guys who are un-ironically enthusiastic about things; movies, books, superheros, TV shows, music.  A guy who wont think I'm crazy when my mood takes a sudden downturn and I can't leave my bed for days, completely with out reason.  A guy who is confident and affectionate.  Someone who will fight for things he's passionate about, even if it means fighting with me.  Someone who doesn't think its weird that all the doors in my room have to be closed for me to sleep, or that I like to bite people randomly.  Someone who wont mind finding books in odd places around the house.

Most importantly though, I need/want a guy who isn't afraid to say I'm his/he's mine.  Who wants to take me out and show everybody that we're together.  Someone who isn't ashamed of me.

I don't know I just want someone who wants me back.

Struggle

I couldn't come up with an attempt at a witty title today.

I know in my other posts I've said how I was pouring my mind/heart out into, and it's been true, but this post is probably the most intimate thing I'll ever post.

For about 11 years now I've been struggling with Clinical Depression.  I was put on anti-depressants but have been off of them for a few years now, having chosen to deal with it without them.

There are times when I forget that I have it.  I'm happy, nothing feels like its too much for me to handle, and life goes on.

Then there are times like right now.  I have no energy, I can't function.  I don't want to be around people, or read, or watch TV or do anything.  I don't eat, I'm not even hungry.

The scary part is that I get to the point where I stop caring about being alive.  Or I start wishing I would get hurt, or something else bad happen to me.  I think about it non-stop.


Back, sophomore year in High School, was the worst those thoughts had gotten.  I was incredibly suicidal and even planned out and almost attempted suicide.  Yet I never cut myself.  I never went through with anything.


A few people know about this, and I don't tell a lot because most people who find out treat me differently.  I hate the looks they give me.  I'm not crazy, but the way they look at me and treat me makes me feel like I am.

I feel like this might be one reason I don't have a lot of good relationships with people.  Platonic or romantic.


My mother likes to tell me that I'm afraid of commitment.  I don't think that's the case though, not fully.

I know that art of the reason is that if I were to get serious with someone, then I'd have to tell him about all of this.  He'd know what was really going on in my mind.  He'd think I was crazy too.  That terrifies me.

What I want is for him (whoever he turns out to be) to take my face in his hands, look me in the eyes, and tell me that its okay.  That I'm not crazy and that when I go into the moods where getting out of bed is a struggle he'll be there to do what ever I need him to.


Now for platonic, it's different because I just need friends who know this and don't let it change how they think of me, and who don't try and get me out or constantly ask me whats wrong and are just there for me.  To help me get through the crazy times where I get ridiculously emotional; whether it be sad, angry, or indifferent.


It's been getting harder for me to handle, but I will continue to fight it without medical intervention.  I just need for these things to happen.

Distorted (body) Image

Its funny how certain topics that I've been wanting to talk about come up during the day.  This one popped up because, well it's Black Friday and my mother and I went shopping.


Recently I've realized that I suffer from a slight case of Body Dysmorphic Disorder.


See, the thing is that I know I'm small.  I'm 5'3 123lb.  I'm tiny.  I understand this.  But I don't feel it, most of the time.

I think it goes back to 5th and 6th grade.  I was one of the first girls I knew to develop.  I had boobs and hips before basically everyone else.  I was so used to being this stick thin person and then suddenly to not be  while all my friends still were was hard.  I started wearing big shirts to hide in.  I felt so much bigger than I was.  Even in High School I was still surrounded by girls who I thought were smaller than I was.  I didn't buy a jacket or hoodie that actually fit me until Freshman year in college.

I refused to wear shorts because once a girl had made a comment about how big my thighs were.


I wasn't until end of Freshman year in college that I really started to appreciate my body so to have it changing on me again is sending me for a loop.

Now, I love my body.  I do. But that doesn't mean I don't feel weird about it sometimes.


Now I have weighed the same for the last like 6 years, but I am actually smaller than I have ever been and it's because I'm more active than I have ever been.  I know that I'm not in trouble because I weigh the same, but the fact that I look so much smaller and I'm seeing it is crazy.

This still surprises me when I go shopping because I FEEL bigger than I am so when I see myself in the mirror I think I look anorexic.  Which scares me, even though I know I eat.

I don't know, I guess this is just about how even though I love my body I don't feel comfortable with it, or that at least I have a distorted view on how I look.


These posts are becoming less and less eloquent.

Whining

I feel like this is just a post of me whining but I don't really give a fuck.

I'm upset over stupid things.

I'm upset that I'm not going to go to ACTF in January.  I'm upset that my dad left to go on a cruise TODAY and I didn't get to have Thanksgiving dinner with him.  I'm upset that it feels like someone is avoiding me and I don't know why because I thought everything was cool but apparently it's not.

I'm upset because I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone to really want me, because for the last 4 years I've been told the same things over and over again "I don't think we should be seeing each other right now" or "I'm not ready for a relationship" or just flat out stopped talking to me.   The last one is what pisses me off the most though, the first two might suck for a bit but I can get over them and go on or back to being friends no problem, but to just stop talking to me with out explanation is just fucked up.

Most of all I'm upset for being upset.  I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY GOD DAMMIT.


Sorry about this post, it's rambly and short and a lot of pent up anger and emotion.  Not really what I wanted for this blog but I needed to get it out.

Frightfully Excited

So today I've had to keep reminding myself that I am writing this blog for me.

To help ME find out who I am.  To help ME be able to sort through things.   I'm not writing it for you, whoever you are.

The reason I have to keep reminding myself that is because I realized that I know some of you, in real life.  I don't know who exactly you are, or if you are actually reading these, but I know that some of you are people I consider friends.

And that scares me.

It scares me because I'm talking about things that usually never leave my thoughts.  I'm poring my heart (or mind rather) out, and obviously that's scary.  I'm terrified that you're going to judge me for it.  That you know I'm strange, but now you're seeing that it goes farther than that.   You're seeing that I have a twisted view on everything, myself especially.  You're seeing what I see, that I probably belong locked up.

Okay so that might be a slight over exaggeration but still, its sort of how I feel.  

It's also exciting, because I'm continuing this.  I'm not letting that stop me.   I am forcing myself to push past the fear and insecurity that keeps me from getting close to people.  Sure it might only be on the internet, but hey one step at a time right?

I can't decided if I want to know if you read this or not.  I guess, if you do read this and know me in person and you want to talk about something I write you can ask me or just let me know. 

Or not. 

Whatever works. 

If you choose not to tell me its fine, I'll continue writing as if you are all complete strangers.  If you do tell me, I hope I'll still be able to write as if you were a complete stranger.

Not So Great Expectations

 So it would seem like, at least for the near future,  I will be posting daily.   I have a few topics that I've been thinking about and the only problem is actually figuring out when to talk about them.

I chose this one today because of what happened that made me think about it.

I learned a long time ago not to set high expectations.  Yes, I did learn this the hard way.  I was constantly being disappointed by everything; friends, school, and life in general.


Recently I was made to feel like I was incredibly crazy for not expecting much from anything.

You set the bar low so that you're never disappointed, and when things go good it's a pleasant surprise.


The reason I do this with people is simple.  Everyone, or at least the vast majority, of people I know have in some way hurt me  or let me down.

In High School I had a hard time with people, most (all) didn't understand me and I didn't really know who I was.  I was being bullied, I was being harassed, I was being flat out ignored.  All by people who at one point or another were trusted friends.  So I have a hard time trusting people.  I've been told that it seems like I make friends easily, when really I just make acquaintances.  We're friendly and I have no problem talking to them or hanging out on campus but really, how well do they know me?  I don't let them know me, because I know that when they do they'll decide they don't want to be my friend and I'll get hurt.  Only one person hasn't run away and I am grateful everyday for her.  My family doesn't count, because they're forced to be around me.

About life in general.   I never expect good things to happen to me.  The best and most recent example is Irene Ryan nominations.  Basically, if you get nominated you get to go to the American College Theater Festival (ACTF) for free and compete.   I was told by several people I would be nominated, and I would have loved to have been, but I knew I wouldn't.  I know that the three people who were nominated would be nominated.  They're all amazing and deserved it, I can't even compare to them.  I let myself hope a little bit but every time I let myself think it could happen I would remind myself that it wasn't going to.  When it didn't, I wasn't disappointed.  I mean god I want to go to ACTF so badly, it's a great opportunity to learn from taking workshops and network by meeting people from all over the region, but like I said I didn't get my hopes up (and hey there is always next year).


Sure, when you think about it, it's depressing to live life this way but when you're already depressed it's better than constantly having your hopes crushed.  I'm used to being let down, doesn't meant I like it but I am  used to it.

Now here is a picture I took of a lemur, because this was a long and pretty depressing post.

Tired

I'm tired.

Not just physically but emotionally as well.

I'm now working two jobs, at 40+ hours a week, and going to school full time (with finals coming up mind you) as well as being in a Sorority.

Plus the added stress of being 20 years old.

Today is the second day that I started crying as soon as I was in my truck after class.


I have no reason to be upset.

I'm healthy, I have not just one job but two, I go to a decent school, I have friends and family and a house.

But god dammit I'm not happy.

I'm primarily an introvert and to much interaction with people is tiring for me, and emotionally I can't handle it.  I need time where I can spend an entire day to myself or with one other person and just not have to think or worry or be.

These last few weeks (months?) have been the opposite.  I have been on the go and almost constantly surrounded by people.  You couple that with the fact that I have had about 3 weeks of early mornings/late nights due to responsibilities and I literally can not handle it anymore.

Not to mention the fact that I suffer from clinical depression.

I just want to sleep, and not work or have school or responsibilities of any kind.  The last time I was able to experience that was when I took a vacation and went by myself to visit friends in Seattle.  I think I might do that again in January, provided I don't go to Nebraska.

An introduction

I was inspired to start this blog by Hank Green's video about how you create yourself, and that writing helps do that.

I used to use my tumblr as a life blog but, that changed and now I need something that can be distinctly my thoughts.


When I say thoughts, I really mean what ever I can coherently put into words.

The likely hood of those words actually turning into something coherent is very slim so I hope that, whomever you are who has decided to read this, hasn't set a high bar.

I never actually have a single train of thought, my thoughts are more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly thoughty woughty stuff.


I guarantee you there will be grammatical errors, and if it wasn't for spell check there would also be plenty of spelling errors.

Post will be random, sometimes multiple posts a week, sometimes only a few a month.  I will not hold my language because, curse words are flavorful and sometimes they're the only way to properly portray emotion.

If you know me personally, I hope this doesn't change the way you think of me or I hope it does.  Maybe it will help people understand me as I understand myself.


I know I'm not an easy person to get along with, and only a few people fully understand why.  I guess this is just going to be an attempt to let people see inside my brain.