Tag along

No matter how old I get.  No matter what I do.  I will always feel like the annoying tag along.

I've never felt like I belonged in a group.   I've always felt like I was just...included because it was required.   Like my brother and his friends, or the other girls in my girl scout troupe.  They didn't want me there but they didn't really have a choice.

Every group of friends I've "been a part of" has always really been them, then me.  Everyone was always closer to the other people in the group...but no one was ever closer to me then anyone else.

Its been that way since I was 4 years old and its still that way at 21.

Sadly I guess I've always known this was the case.  Maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable in groups.

I always feel like I'm intruding and not wanted. 

Wow I'm having a break through in the middle of my break down...

I'm more likely to turn down invites to hang out with groups then I am to hang out with just one person.

God I just want someone to hold me.

I'm writing a lot of posts lately.  Maybe because I feel like I can't actually talk to anyone about this.  Because people think I'm crazy.  Because I mean come on.  Depression, anxiety, paranoia.  How can they not think I'm crazy.  It's getting harder to hide.  Its getting harder to get out of bed.  Fuck its getting harder to breathe.

I hate summer.  I hate it so much.  As much as I hate school its so much better because in the summer I have more opportunity to hide and avoid human interaction.  Every time I have to interact with someone after not being around people for a little while I come off as more crazed then usual.   

I'm amazed at how well everyone pretends to tolerate me.  I wish I could learn to tolerate myself.

Human Interaction

I don't do well with human interaction.
I don't do well with friends.
I don't do well with trust.
Fuck I don't even do well at life.

I have a really hard time trusting people.  Even my friends.  As much as I love them.

I can't really help it.  Being bullied for 13 years of your life, most of those bullies having been people I thought to be friends.

Friends tease each other, I get that but because of the bullying by so called 'friends'  I can't handle people making jokes at my expense.  I take them personally.  I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.

I also just don't know how to talk to people anymore.  It doesn't help that I'm paranoid that everybody is staring at me, judging me.  I know that its irrational but I can't help it.

I just want to be able to talk to people with out feeling stupid.  I want to not prefer my bed to society.  I want to be able to trust people.  This is probably my problem with ALL types of relationships.

Looking back

I just read a post I made back in early December.

About how I deserved better then how my life was going at the time.  One of the main points was I deserved better then to be treated how I was being treated.

I guess I had sort of made it a resolution of sorts to change that.  To not let people treat me like shit.

I guess I haven't really been doing a great job at it.

This has been a pretty bad year for my depression, since I was in a funk that lasted about 5 months.  I let people continue to disregard my feelings, or my thoughts, or even just me in general.

I'm pretty ashamed of that.  I always think of myself as a strong women.   Maybe thats because I'm stubborn but I come from a line of very strong women, on both sides of my family and right now I'm feeling like I'm letting them all down because of how much I'm letting my life happiness be dictated by other people.

Hopefully someday I'll learn to stop.  But right now I'm just struggling to survive.

It was also about how I deserved a man who wanted me for me.  That still hasn't happened yet either.  I'm still dealing with residual effects of the past few men to have hurt me.  More on that another time.

Drowning

Life isn't particularly interesting right now.

Yet I still feel like I'm drowning.

I know I've entered into another depressive funk.  I felt myself slip.  Everyday I lay down, exhausted after having done nothing all day.  I lay down and close my eyes and I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm not far from the surface, I can see the edge of land, its within reach.  The problem is I have not strength or motivation to lift my arms and pull myself out.   Even out of the metaphor I literally can't bring myself to move from my bed.

I just want to be happy.  I want to not be tired.  I need a lifesaver, someone or something to keep me afloat.  Obviously I haven't found it/them yet.

They/it need(s) to come along soon.  I don't know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Help needed

My grandmother passed away Wednesday.

Its been tough, and everyone is tired and there is so much to do and its stressing me out.

Over the course of the last few days  I have had a decent chunk of people tell me pretty much the same thing.

"If there is anything you need call me"

But.

How many of them would actually follow through with that?

Cause I need a lot of things.

I need someone to do everything my mother and aunt are having to do even though their mother just died. I need someone to give them a break so that I can stop worrying about them.  I need help to clean around the house, I need someone to make sure I eat, I need someone to just generally help out.  I need someone to hold me,  I need someone to keep me company at night because I can't sleep despite being tired. I need someone to take care of me.  I need this to be over.

Would anyone actually do any of those things though?

Lonely

I know I'm not supposed to say this.

I don't understand why its such a bad thing to say that you're lonely.

If its true then its true.

I am lonely.

Sure I have friends to hang out with, and people to talk with.

I'm fine during the day.

Its just that...at night when I'm actually alone.  I crave companionship.

I've been single for a long time.  I've dated sure but I haven't been in a relationship, not a real one.

Believe it or not though, I don't usually have a problem with being single.   I know some people who can not be single, they don't know how.  They go from relationship to relationship and its never "me" for them, always "we".

But lately, I don't know I guess I'm just tired of it.  So many of my friends are in happy relationships and I'm always the third wheel....or in some cases the 5th.

I just want someone to just be there for me, beyond friendship.  I want someone to curl up with at night,  to just kind of grin at.  Someone who texts me good morning or good night and thats it.    Someone who I can just sit in the room with and not have to be doing something together.  Just to be around.

I want to know what being loved feels like (other then by family) and I want to know if I can feel love for someone else.

But then again who am I kidding.  I wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship.

I'm just lonely.

Clarity

For the last...I don't know 4 months?  I've been in a depressive funk.

I actually hadn't realized how long it had lasted until I was out.

It ended just this last Wednesday.

I know that because it was the first time in a very long time that I didn't feel hopeless.

I had actually forgotten what it felt like to not be ruled by my depression and anxiety.

I've actually started to use the word clear to indicate that I'm out, because everything is clear.

Its like I've been living with this fog over everything and it sucked.  I can breathe again.  I can see again.  Hell I can feel things again.

I hope this lasts.  I enjoy it, feeling normal.  Though I wish it had happened a little bit earlier because now its finals week and I'm realizing just what I have to get done.