Something always brings be back

to you.

Some how everything road just goes back to you.

No matter how far I go, who I see, what I do, the plans I make, I always wind up thinking about you.  About us.    There never was an us.  Not really.  There probably never will be.

I know this.

I understand this.

Apparently I do not accept this.

Apparently deep down I'm hoping this isn't true.

In reality I barely know you.  If I did before I certainly don't now.

So why then do I keep coming back to you?  God I bet you rarely think of me.

I don't obsess over you, sure.  My thoughts of you don't get in the way of my pseudo relationships (pseudo because obviously none of them ever turn into real relationships).  They just always wind up back at you.

Maybe I'll figure it out someday.  Maybe someday, you'll help me.

Maybe.

Be patient with me

I know I'm difficult.

I know having me in your life is stressful.

I know that I'm not exactly the best person to be around.

But I desperately need you to be patient with me.

One of my biggest fears is people not liking me.

Losing all of my friends would kill me.

I've gone through it before.

I don't want to again.

I don't think I'll survive it.

Hell I'm not even sure how I'm surviving right now.

Nothing hurts more then those people who say you're a friend, and make you believe that they care about you and then suddenly, when you really need them.  They're gone.  They were just in it for themselves.

I don't need those people in my life anymore.  I don't want them.

I'm a horrible person.  I know this.  Why else do you think I avoid leaving my house/room/bed?  Why do you think I seclude myself when I have to go out in public?

I don't know how to be around people anymore.  Not without feeling like they all hate me, or don't even notice that I'm there.

Be patient with me as I re-learn such a seemingly simple human behavior.

Each day is a struggle for me to get through.  Every normal thought is sandwiched between thoughts of wanting to be back in my bed and trying not to cry/panic.

If I do something that is rude, or mean, or I blow you off, forget to text or call or respond.  Please please please understand that I don't mean to be that way.  Sometimes I just can't get my brain to work properly, to compose a coherent thought or even words.  Or I cant get my fingers to move to type those words, or even my body to move to pick up my phone, or my head.

I don't mean to be inconsiderate.  I don't meant to be anything.  I'm just trying to get through the week, day, hour, minute.

Friendship?

What I really want to write about right is really passive aggressive and something that the person I want to write about does so I'm not going to do it.  Instead I'm going to write about how I feel about friends.

Now, I have had a lot of 'friends' throughout my life.  Friends is in quotation marks because well...when I look back on those "friendships" they're not way friendships are supposed to be.

Most of them are very one sided.  Me caring about them and listening to them and all of their problems and them not ever asking me about mine, or what is wrong, or trying to help me through things (even if its just watching TV with me).  I consider these to be selfish "friends".

Some of them have been amazingly abusive.  Where someone will say they're my friend and then in a split second do a 180 and start saying shit about me, to me, calling me names like stupid, and just generally being a bully to me.  Then act like they didn't do anything wrong.  This one is harder to spot sometimes because they'll do it in a 'joking' voice but actually mean it, or they'll do things subtly and because I'm so desperate for their friendship I'll just ignore it.  This is what the majority of my 'friends' in high school were.

Then you have those who are both.  Yes, I have experienced both of these things from individual people.  They are the worst things to ever happen to me but, because I feel the overwhelming need to be their friends I let them do it to me.

I'm not a very trusting person...or I am I don't really know which.  When it comes to friends, I desperately want everyone to like me, even just a little bit.  The problem is that, I'll let people treat me like shit.

I really need to stop doing this though because, well because it obviously doesn't help when I already have to fight against having suicidal thoughts 60% of the time.  I need to only surround myself with people who will lift up, not pull me down (or call me names or insult me or any of the other number of things).  The problem is is that, I'm already terrified of being alone, and even though I have 1 person I know for sure will be there for me to lift me up,  I fell like 1 isn't enough.

Now that 1 person, its not that she doesn't say mean things to me.  We say things to each other most people wouldn't say to their best friend.   People would say that we're brutally honest with each other but we've known each other for years and we know that anything we say will not be taken wrong.  It's hard to explain, even to each other.  But I know that she's their for me, and I know that she really truly cares about me.  As I am and do for her.  Ours is a 50/50 friendship (sometimes 60/40 when the need arises) and I wouldn't be alive with out it. 

God I need to start going to therapy.

Being Forgotten

I have a long list of topics I plan on writing about but I'm really busy at the moment with rehearsals but this was something I just wanted to post.

It always seems to me, that after a relationship of mine ends, the guys just forget about me.  Like I was never there to begin with, and I really want to know how they forget about me so easily.  So apparently when I contemplate this, I write a poem like thing.

It’s hard not to ask you
How you forgot me.
I wonder everyday
How easy was it for you
To forget the smell of my hair
And the taste of my lips
And the sound of my breath
When it was quiet
 I want to ask so that
I can forget too
The way your hair felt
When I ran my hands through it
Or the way your arms tensed
When my fingers grazed them
I want to forget the way
you grinned when you were tired
I want to forget you

So yeah.  Its stupid.

Accomplishment

Often I say I'm going to do something, and then never do.

Either I'm gonna start working out, or I'm going to clean my room, or start dressing better, stop spending money, craft something, paint something move something.

The list of things I say I'm going to do is endless.

There are so many projects, stories, things that I have started and yet never finished.  I have stories I've written years ago that I just stop writing after a few chapters and then never go back to.

Its a problem and I always hate myself because of it.

But that ends today.  For the first time ever (and I mean ever) I have finished a project that I set out to do.  Its nothing big, in fact its quiet silly when I think about how excited I am about it.

Months ago, I don't actually remember when but months ago, I found an old bed side dresser on craigslist.  It was free so I decided, why not I'll go and get it and fix it up, paint it make it look nice.  I mean I've been using an old stereo as a bedside table for the last like 5 years.

My step dad sanded it and got it ready for me to paint, we got the paint but due to how cold its been I haven't been able to do anything with it.  Finally though it was warm enough for me to paint it.

After about 2 weeks of painting whenever it was warm enough  I have finally finished it.

It is now settled in my room next to my bed.

I love it.  I couldn't be more proud of it.  Or of myself.

I finally finished something.

Finally.

Here are some pictures!  I don't have any of it before because I didn't think about it.

This is what I had been using

This is it what I'm now using.  The color is off because of lighting but its a nice, robins egg blue(ish) color

I painted the inside of the drawers a different color because I liked the idea.  Its sort of a sea foam/mint green.

And this is the finished product, in its proper place.

I even kept the original handles and I'm really happy I did because they look really good.

Its stupid I know.  But I'm really proud of it.  Because I have a real problem with follow through.

A healthy choice

So in my last post I talked about how I was thinking about going to see a psychiatrist and if necessary going back to taking medication to help control my depression and anxiety.

After a lot of thought, and consulting with friends and family, I have decided that it is the best thing for me to do right now.

I want to get better, I need to get better, but I'm not able to do it alone.

As hard as I've tried the last few years to not need help.

I have failed and that's okay.

There is nothing wrong with needing help.  I understand that the main problem is that I have a chemical imbalance which causes my mood to shift downward.  I understand that medicine is a way to handle it.

It is not something to be ashamed of.  It is not something to be embarrassed by.


I am determined to get better.  I am determined to be happy.

Big Decision

I need a break.

I need  a break from feeling sad all of the time.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm worthless and like there is no future for me.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, and worrying about things that I don't need to worry about yet.

I am also just literally tired.  I'm not getting sleep at night because my anxiety keeps acting up which makes it hard to fall asleep which means I'm tired through out the day which makes me fall asleep with out meaning to which means I have a hard time falling asleep again.  Even if I do make it through the day without taking a nap I still can't fall asleep at night, no matter how tired I am.

My anxiety is getting worse.  My depression isn't lightening up.  I don't need this to affect my grades any more then it has been.

I need this to stop.

I'm thinking pretty seriously about going back to see a psychiatrist, and if prompted going back on medication.


As much as I don't want to, because the idea of being reliant on medication is terrifying (also I don't like how they made me feel the last time I was on them),  I think that right now it would be what is best for me.


I'm not sure yet.