Flirt

I'm a pretty good flirt.

Unless I'm trying to flirt with someone that I really like.

When that happens I lose all ability to be flirty.  I start acting like a 7 year old with her first crush,

Its embarrassing.

I don't appreciate it.

The only good thing that comes out of it is that I know I have actual feelings for someone, rather then just surface feelings that people get from getting attention from another person.

This is a stupid post.  I had it all thought out and written in my head but every time I try to actually type it it just comes out stupid.

So this post has been like me trying to flirt with a guy I really like.

Gross.

Traditions

Tomorrows Christmas Eve.

Every year on for as long as I remember our Christmas Eves have been pretty much the exact same.


We go to my dad's work Christmas party.

Then we go see a movie with Dad.

And finally we open one present each, which is really two because we open one at each house.


I love Christmas Eve, possibly more then I love Christmas.   Its because of this tradition too.   I look forward to it.

The idea that in a few years I wont be able to do this is terrifying.

My dad has been making the joke for the last few years that I'm too old to attend the Christmas party, and the idea terrifies me.  It might be because I don't have many years left to be able to do this.

When I move away I know that I wont be able to make it home every year.  The first Christmas I probably will but the year after that probably not.

I'll be able to do the movie and the present still, but my tradition will change.


I think some traditions are important, and it's important for us to have them.  They give us something to look forward to, something to share.  

As much as I'm dreading the day where I wont be able to continue certain traditions, I am also looking forward to when I get to create new ones with people I love who aren't family, and then one day with people I love who are family.

Snow

I love snow.

I know most people love snow but I LOVE snow.

There is just something about it.

The world slows down, everything gets quiet.

One of my favorite things to do when I studied in Washington was when I was walking back to my dorm at night while it snowed.  The way the lights glowed, the way the world glowed.  It wasn't cold, it was calm.

Rarely do I have moments of just pure joy and when I see snow, especially the first snow, well that's one of them.

Its snowing outside right now.  We were told we're not going to have more than an inch of accumulated snow but looking outside, we might bet more.

I hope we get more.  We haven't had a white Christmas since I was young and I haven't really felt joy of Christmas time because we haven't even really had a cold one in years.

I want this snow to stay at least until next Tuesday night.   I need this snow to stay until next Tuesday night.

I need this joy.

Another year older.

Yesterday I turned 21.

So along with all the pomp that goes with 21 was the realization that I made it another year.

For someone who suffers from depression, and has experienced being suicidal off and on for years, this can be another reason to celebrate.

There have been a few times this year where the thought crossed my mind that there wasn't a point for me being alive.

Now that thought is different than wanting to kill myself.   Its more of me wondering if there was a reason, and not believing that I was meant to do anything.

But I've made it.

I'm now at the beginning of my attempt to make it through my 22nd year of life.

My 21st year was...interesting.  It had a lot of ups and downs, with some major downs that were brought on because of some of the wonderful ups, which seems to be about par for the course.

I've learned a lot about myself, and others.  I've experienced things and made life changing decisions.  Got over some things that kept me from having fun, and got rid of things that made me upset.

Made friends, and lost friends.

I danced, drank, flirted, learned, worked, performed, traveled to places alone.

Most importantly though, I lived.

I decided last year that I was going to do things that made me happy.  It was one of the things that was sort of a 'new years resolution' I guess.

Well.  I did.

And will all of the bad that happened in my 21st year of life.  There was a lot of great.

A Letter: A week later

Dear Boy,

I know I said that that post would be the last, I lied.  This one really is.

So it's been a week and I haven't heard from you.

That means either you didn't read it, or you've chosen not to reply.  Which is fine, I guess.  It sucks because I wont ever be able to look you in the eyes again, even if you haven't read it because I'll think that you have and that I embarrassed myself.

Which I did, and am doing again.

I'll get over you, eventually.  You would think it I would have by now, with how ignored I've felt.


This is why I don't like leaving my house.  I don't like getting attached to people because I only get my hopes up.

Maybe someday I'll learn.

Either way I guess this is good bye for us, seeing as you don't seem to want to talk to me anymore.

Things that make me happy.

Or more specifically things that make me happy.

I've decided that way to many of my posts have been negative, or depressing so here is something different.

• Books- Books make me unbelievably happy.  Even when they make me cry.  As long as I can remember I've loved books and reading.  A lot of times they were (and still often are) the only thing that could get me through what was going on in my life.  I can escape into some far off place, or someone else life, and not have to think about or deal with mine.  I can experience feelings that have escaped me in real life, ones that I have yet had the luck to experience.

• Summer Rains- Warm Summer rain that is.  The kind that are heavy and steady.  You walk out and can stand in them for a few minutes and come back completely soaked but not uncomfortable.  Just being out this kind of rain, playing in it, dancing around, or just sitting in it...it makes me feel content, happy, calm.

• Hugs, kissing, cuddling, holding hands-  These are all things I love so I grouped them together because I like them for pretty much the same reasons.  I love human contact, most of the time.  I find it comforting.  It reassures me that I'm not alone, that I'm cared for.  I like hugs because well I do.  I like holding  hands because I got lost when I was little and it terrifies me to think it could happen so I like knowing that someone is there with me.  Cuddling it just nice, I like being warm and the whole human contact thing is lovely.  Kissing..well kissing is fun.  It also has a bunch of health benefits.  I also enjoy getting kissed on the head.  Its just a lovely sign of affection and I don't get those that often.

• Food- enough said

• Music- any kind of music.  It gets me out of my head which is always a good thing.

• Sleeping.

A Little More

Last night I poured my heart and mind out more than I ever have before.

I still don't know the outcome.  I don't know if you read it or if you're reading this.

Since then I've been going through all of the emotions.  Relief for getting it out there, regret for posting it, worry for what you're thinking, contentment for not having it weighing on me as heavily. Sadness for thinking that you did read it and are choosing not to respond.

I spent today in a panicky mood because I think you read it and I'm afraid of what your reaction might be.


I also spent today thinking of more things I should have put in that letter.  Or things I wish I had said differently.

I have decided though that knowing is better than not knowing.  If I know what you think about I can deal with everything better because I have a place to start from.


I realize I'm still being a coward but, I'd rather make a fool of myself here then text you and you not have a clue as to what I mean so...

Please.

This will be the last time I mention this.  I'll be back to my regular crazy posts.  I apologize for those who have read these two posts.

A Letter

Dear Boy,

That's what I call you by the way, when I'm talking about you to my friend.   You probably wont read this, I don't know if you've read any of my post.  If you have, those posts weren't aimed directly at you.  Just at my interpretation of whats been happening to me when it comes to guys.

The reason I'm writing this 'letter' is because I need to get this off my mind, chest, and heart.  I'm writing this here because I'm a coward who can't say this to you straight up but needs to say it anyways.

I'm going to be extremely blunt.

I miss things.

  I miss you.  I miss flirting with you.  I miss you smiling at me.  I miss watching movies with you.  I miss talking through half of the movie with you.  I miss how our legs touch when we're just sitting next to each other on your couch watching movies.  I miss cuddling with you.  I miss kissing you.

But most of all though, I miss talking with you.

We might not have talked about a lot of deep and intelligent stuff but I still think we had great conversations. We talked about stupid things, and random things and nerdy things and fun things.  We talked about our families and friends and growing up.  We just talked.  I enjoyed it.

Now I know you said that you don't want, or cant have, a serious relationship right now.  I know I said that I was okay with it.  I thought I was.  Turns out I'm not because I couldn't stop myself from liking you.  I wanted to.  I wanted to separate my emotions but fuck it, it happened anyways.

You're the first guy in a long time that I have been able to be myself with.  I wasn't trying to be anyone else, or trying to impress you.  I was genuinely myself.

It's not your fault, of course, that I feel so horrible right now.  It's mine, but then again no one can really control who they like and lord knows I tried.

The thing that sucks the most though is that, despite all of this you've hardly acknowledged my existence in the last month.  At least that's what it feels like.  I'm sure you have your reasons for it but still.  It sucks and makes you seem like a dick when I know that you're not one.  I know that you're nice, and funny, and stupid and sweet and ridiculous but right sometimes I forget these because you've barely said anything to me lately.



If you do read this.  Well...I don't know I haven't really thought that much through.  If you have been reading these than you've been making no acknowledgement of it and you can continue to do so.  You can continue doing what you've been doing, things going back to before we got to know each other.  Or you can start being my friend because, while I think we'd be great together, I'd settle for having you as a friend because we'd be great friends too.  That's all I'm really asking.  Really.

You know where to find me.  Do with this what you will.  Like I said.  I needed to get this out, whether you read this or not.

Deserve better

I deserve better than this.

I deserve better than how I'm being treated by my family and how I'm treating myself.  I deserve better than guys who only like me to a limit.


I'm done with all of this.

If something makes me feel bad I'm going to either get rid of it or tell them to fuck off.

There is no excuse for the way my mother has been treating me.  I don't care if shes my mother, or if I'm living in her house.  I will not apologize for not being the daughter she wanted me to be.  I will never be that person and I'm okay with that.

I deserve a man who wants me.  That's not saying that these guys in the past weren't worth of me.  They could have been, had they been ready for a relationship.  I'm finished with these half relationships and flings.  The next person who wants to even consider beginning something with me needs to be someone who wants a serious relationship.

Most of all I deserve better than how I've been treating myself.  I need to stop saying such negative things about myself.  I need to start looking more positive about myself.  I am a good person, I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am worth something.

It may take me the month of December to get this drilled into my head but it will happen.  It's how I'm going to start the new year.

Haunted

Sometimes its seems as if I'm haunted by every past relationship I've had.

I say relationship but I should really say fling because that's all they've ever really been.  Not that we do anything really.


I can't escape them, even when they're almost two years out.  I remember practically everything that happened.

It drives me crazy.

Most of the time (99%) they don't even deserve my thoughts.

I'm sure that they don't mean to make it feel like this but I always wind up feeling used.

The worst part is, even though I know that I'm being used I let it happen.

I refuse to believe that its to much to ask for someone who wants an actual relationship with me.  Even though, most days it feels like it is.

But I refuse to regret anything.