Gotta do it

Sometimes you just have to do things.

Even if you know that the thing you have to do is going to cause you a lot of pain.

I recently did something of that sort.  

I know that I needed to do it.  I had been told I needed to do it, and yet I dreaded doing it.

I knew the outcome.  Honestly I didn't expect anything else (I never expect something good to come out of anything, it's easier that way).  Yet it still hurt.  A lot.  I'm still hurting from it, and will probably hurt for a little while more.

The only blame I place is on myself because I know better.  Then again I only ever blame myself for things that really aren't my fault.  

I'm not really sure what I'm doing, or what I need to do anymore.  I'm not sure what my next step is or how to heal.   I'm not really sure of anything.  Except I know that I needed to do what I did to be able to move forward.

We'll see how it goes from here now.  I guess.

New things & old promises

Every semester brings about a lot of new things for everyone.

The one thing that is never new, are all of the people making promises to be a 'new them'.

There is nothing bad about this.

I've done it myself.

This semester I didn't though.

Yet it's already different, so much has changed.

I'm living away from my parents, and as much as I love them I can already tell how much better of a person it has made me.  I feel like I'm able to actually become an 'adult' or at least a more responsible child.

I got a new car, which is small and strange to drive since it's not a truck but its nice.

I can walk into the Theater building without feeling awkward because, while they might not all be friends, I can talk to just about anyone in there because we've made connections on at least some level.  I've also made some fantastic new friends who are just amazing.

I have hit a breakthrough with my acting, in that I need to stop over thinking about it and just do it.  This really applies to auditioning.  I used to freak out right up until I would go in, and then I would just go up on a line and forget everything.  But this time, I only freaked out the day before.  The day of I just forced myself to calm down, and to just be there.   I rocked my monologues (though I don't feel as good about the callbacks which is fine).

I also worked out, and I'm going to again tomorrow.

I'm taking steps to making sure that when I leave college in a year and a half I'm prepared and I know what I'm going to do, or at least that I know that I have the materials to go out there and be confident.  I'm working on finding myself some more.

I'm also just generally trying to have a better out look on life, and accept that shit happens, and that not everything is great but I'm not going let that stop me from pushing on.

Hanging out

I don't often make plans with people.

There are a few reasons.

One, because they almost always fall through.

Two, because no matter who the person is, no matter how 'close' we are.  I will always feel like they're hanging out with me out of pity.

Three, because if the plans don't fall through because of the other person, I come up with an excuse to cancel because I just am so uncomfortable around other people, all people, no matter who you are.


I'm in a constant state of feeling like people only hang out with me or pretend to like me because they feel obligated to, or because they feel bad for me.
This is part of the whole paranoia thing.

I cancel plans because I don't want to go through a few hours of being around people who I feel don't actually want to be around me.

I know, it's stupid, but  that doesn't mean I stop thinking that way.

The whole plans falling through thing doesn't really hep matters either.  Even if I'm given a perfectly good reason, I feel like they canceled because they don't want to hang out with me, which is 100% possible let's be real.

So like.  If I'm actually trying to make plans to hang out with someone, it's kind of significant. Like, it means I genuinely feel like we're friends.

Idk this has been a post about things.

Movie theater safe haven

I assume that most people's 'safe havens' are places like their room, or the library, or a park.

There isn't anything wrong with that, at times my room is my own safe haven.

At times my safe haven isn't even a place, its an object.  Its a book that I'm currently reading.  Or its a person that I need to be around.

One of my favorite safe havens though, is the movie theater.

Now I know there are tons of people who love going to the movies.  

But for me...idk. 

My first job was at the movie theater.  I worked there for over 2 years.  I always loved movies but until I worked at the theater I never really got to see them often.

Once I had access to free movies (almost unlimited) I went all the time.  I saw almost every single movie that came out in those 2.5 years.  Including the ones that no one had heard of and you'd be hard pressed to find a trailer for.

Sure sometimes I'd go with a friend or family member.

But most of the time I went by myself.  And at first I didn't like it much.  I tried to get people to go with me but no one was available when I wanted to go.

Then I started going alone more often and I got used to it.  There have been a few times where I as literally the only person in the theater.

Now I go see movies by myself on a regular basis.  I enjoy it.  That isn't saying I don't like seeing them with other people.

But it's become a place that I can go and just disappear to.  When I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or lonely I go see a movie.

Now I know how weird that seems, feeling lonely so I go see a movie by myself.  But if you look at it my way it makes sense.

I get so lost in a movie that I'm in it.  I get emotionally attached to everything about the movie. I even get sad when the previews are over (sometimes they're my favorite part).

I watch the movie without fear of being judged for how I react to parts of it.  I can cry in peace, I can laugh out loud at (sometimes  often) inappropriate moments.  

When I'm at a movie alone I can completely give myself over to the experience.  When I'm with someone, I am at all times aware of their presence.  That isn't always a bad thing, but I find that I tend to miss little things that most people don't notice and I love finding the little things.

For a few hours I'm allowed to disconnect from the world, hide, and not have to think about what's going on.

Also I just really love popcorn.

New beginning

So I moved out of my parents house the other day.

I now live in house with three other girls.

It's exciting but also weird.

It's new.  It's a beginning.  It will be an adventure and I'm ready for it.

I'm going to make this last.  I wont have to move back 'home'.  I'll be free to say what I want and do what I want and just BE what I want.

If I want to have friends over I can with out having to seek permission.  I can chill on the couch and drink without feeling judged.  I can have a guy over and not feel awkward.  I can keep my room as clean or as messy as I want.

Most of all though.  I can finally show them that I am not a child.

Yeah yeah  yeah I know parents always see their kids as their babies.  But there has to be a certain point where they start respecting you as an adult.  That time still hasn't come.  Now though...because they no longer have the power to tell me what to do, maybe they'll see that I can do it.  I can take care of myself and be responsible.

Sure there are still somethings I need to work on.  But that's part of growing up.

Let me be excited

I wish people would let other people be happy and excited with out trying to bring them down.

The best example I have for this right now is me moving.

Obviously I'm extremely excited because its the first time I'm moving out, and not into a dorm.

I'm excited to write my first check for my first months rent (I've never needed a check book but I have one now so yeah shut up I'm excited).

I'm excited to make my own rules, and take care of myself (which is basically just doing what every I want whenever I want).

I'm excited to finally just...you know LIVE.

The one thing that I keep hearing from people, when ever I tell them I'm excited, is the same fucking thing.

"Yeah you're excited now but wait until you have no money after paying all of your bills" or some version of that.

OBVIOUSLY I know that money is going to be a little bit tight.  I'm not going into this thinking I can continue living the way I've been living for the last 21 years.  I've already started to change my spending habits, and my eating habits.

I don't go out, I don't go to movies as often as I would like (which is difficult because I love movies), I don't buy unnessacary clothing items (or items at all anymore).

I work 3 jobs and decided to go places based on if I can spare the gas.

I'm very much aware of money.   I don't need people reminding me something I've been thinking about for the last several years.

So please, if someone is excited about things, let them be excited.  Don't burst their bubble just because your's was.

Tag along

No matter how old I get.  No matter what I do.  I will always feel like the annoying tag along.

I've never felt like I belonged in a group.   I've always felt like I was just...included because it was required.   Like my brother and his friends, or the other girls in my girl scout troupe.  They didn't want me there but they didn't really have a choice.

Every group of friends I've "been a part of" has always really been them, then me.  Everyone was always closer to the other people in the group...but no one was ever closer to me then anyone else.

Its been that way since I was 4 years old and its still that way at 21.

Sadly I guess I've always known this was the case.  Maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable in groups.

I always feel like I'm intruding and not wanted. 

Wow I'm having a break through in the middle of my break down...

I'm more likely to turn down invites to hang out with groups then I am to hang out with just one person.

God I just want someone to hold me.

I'm writing a lot of posts lately.  Maybe because I feel like I can't actually talk to anyone about this.  Because people think I'm crazy.  Because I mean come on.  Depression, anxiety, paranoia.  How can they not think I'm crazy.  It's getting harder to hide.  Its getting harder to get out of bed.  Fuck its getting harder to breathe.

I hate summer.  I hate it so much.  As much as I hate school its so much better because in the summer I have more opportunity to hide and avoid human interaction.  Every time I have to interact with someone after not being around people for a little while I come off as more crazed then usual.   

I'm amazed at how well everyone pretends to tolerate me.  I wish I could learn to tolerate myself.