Help needed

My grandmother passed away Wednesday.

Its been tough, and everyone is tired and there is so much to do and its stressing me out.

Over the course of the last few days  I have had a decent chunk of people tell me pretty much the same thing.

"If there is anything you need call me"

But.

How many of them would actually follow through with that?

Cause I need a lot of things.

I need someone to do everything my mother and aunt are having to do even though their mother just died. I need someone to give them a break so that I can stop worrying about them.  I need help to clean around the house, I need someone to make sure I eat, I need someone to just generally help out.  I need someone to hold me,  I need someone to keep me company at night because I can't sleep despite being tired. I need someone to take care of me.  I need this to be over.

Would anyone actually do any of those things though?

Lonely

I know I'm not supposed to say this.

I don't understand why its such a bad thing to say that you're lonely.

If its true then its true.

I am lonely.

Sure I have friends to hang out with, and people to talk with.

I'm fine during the day.

Its just that...at night when I'm actually alone.  I crave companionship.

I've been single for a long time.  I've dated sure but I haven't been in a relationship, not a real one.

Believe it or not though, I don't usually have a problem with being single.   I know some people who can not be single, they don't know how.  They go from relationship to relationship and its never "me" for them, always "we".

But lately, I don't know I guess I'm just tired of it.  So many of my friends are in happy relationships and I'm always the third wheel....or in some cases the 5th.

I just want someone to just be there for me, beyond friendship.  I want someone to curl up with at night,  to just kind of grin at.  Someone who texts me good morning or good night and thats it.    Someone who I can just sit in the room with and not have to be doing something together.  Just to be around.

I want to know what being loved feels like (other then by family) and I want to know if I can feel love for someone else.

But then again who am I kidding.  I wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship.

I'm just lonely.

Clarity

For the last...I don't know 4 months?  I've been in a depressive funk.

I actually hadn't realized how long it had lasted until I was out.

It ended just this last Wednesday.

I know that because it was the first time in a very long time that I didn't feel hopeless.

I had actually forgotten what it felt like to not be ruled by my depression and anxiety.

I've actually started to use the word clear to indicate that I'm out, because everything is clear.

Its like I've been living with this fog over everything and it sucked.  I can breathe again.  I can see again.  Hell I can feel things again.

I hope this lasts.  I enjoy it, feeling normal.  Though I wish it had happened a little bit earlier because now its finals week and I'm realizing just what I have to get done.

Something always brings be back

to you.

Some how everything road just goes back to you.

No matter how far I go, who I see, what I do, the plans I make, I always wind up thinking about you.  About us.    There never was an us.  Not really.  There probably never will be.

I know this.

I understand this.

Apparently I do not accept this.

Apparently deep down I'm hoping this isn't true.

In reality I barely know you.  If I did before I certainly don't now.

So why then do I keep coming back to you?  God I bet you rarely think of me.

I don't obsess over you, sure.  My thoughts of you don't get in the way of my pseudo relationships (pseudo because obviously none of them ever turn into real relationships).  They just always wind up back at you.

Maybe I'll figure it out someday.  Maybe someday, you'll help me.

Maybe.

Be patient with me

I know I'm difficult.

I know having me in your life is stressful.

I know that I'm not exactly the best person to be around.

But I desperately need you to be patient with me.

One of my biggest fears is people not liking me.

Losing all of my friends would kill me.

I've gone through it before.

I don't want to again.

I don't think I'll survive it.

Hell I'm not even sure how I'm surviving right now.

Nothing hurts more then those people who say you're a friend, and make you believe that they care about you and then suddenly, when you really need them.  They're gone.  They were just in it for themselves.

I don't need those people in my life anymore.  I don't want them.

I'm a horrible person.  I know this.  Why else do you think I avoid leaving my house/room/bed?  Why do you think I seclude myself when I have to go out in public?

I don't know how to be around people anymore.  Not without feeling like they all hate me, or don't even notice that I'm there.

Be patient with me as I re-learn such a seemingly simple human behavior.

Each day is a struggle for me to get through.  Every normal thought is sandwiched between thoughts of wanting to be back in my bed and trying not to cry/panic.

If I do something that is rude, or mean, or I blow you off, forget to text or call or respond.  Please please please understand that I don't mean to be that way.  Sometimes I just can't get my brain to work properly, to compose a coherent thought or even words.  Or I cant get my fingers to move to type those words, or even my body to move to pick up my phone, or my head.

I don't mean to be inconsiderate.  I don't meant to be anything.  I'm just trying to get through the week, day, hour, minute.

Friendship?

What I really want to write about right is really passive aggressive and something that the person I want to write about does so I'm not going to do it.  Instead I'm going to write about how I feel about friends.

Now, I have had a lot of 'friends' throughout my life.  Friends is in quotation marks because well...when I look back on those "friendships" they're not way friendships are supposed to be.

Most of them are very one sided.  Me caring about them and listening to them and all of their problems and them not ever asking me about mine, or what is wrong, or trying to help me through things (even if its just watching TV with me).  I consider these to be selfish "friends".

Some of them have been amazingly abusive.  Where someone will say they're my friend and then in a split second do a 180 and start saying shit about me, to me, calling me names like stupid, and just generally being a bully to me.  Then act like they didn't do anything wrong.  This one is harder to spot sometimes because they'll do it in a 'joking' voice but actually mean it, or they'll do things subtly and because I'm so desperate for their friendship I'll just ignore it.  This is what the majority of my 'friends' in high school were.

Then you have those who are both.  Yes, I have experienced both of these things from individual people.  They are the worst things to ever happen to me but, because I feel the overwhelming need to be their friends I let them do it to me.

I'm not a very trusting person...or I am I don't really know which.  When it comes to friends, I desperately want everyone to like me, even just a little bit.  The problem is that, I'll let people treat me like shit.

I really need to stop doing this though because, well because it obviously doesn't help when I already have to fight against having suicidal thoughts 60% of the time.  I need to only surround myself with people who will lift up, not pull me down (or call me names or insult me or any of the other number of things).  The problem is is that, I'm already terrified of being alone, and even though I have 1 person I know for sure will be there for me to lift me up,  I fell like 1 isn't enough.

Now that 1 person, its not that she doesn't say mean things to me.  We say things to each other most people wouldn't say to their best friend.   People would say that we're brutally honest with each other but we've known each other for years and we know that anything we say will not be taken wrong.  It's hard to explain, even to each other.  But I know that she's their for me, and I know that she really truly cares about me.  As I am and do for her.  Ours is a 50/50 friendship (sometimes 60/40 when the need arises) and I wouldn't be alive with out it. 

God I need to start going to therapy.

Being Forgotten

I have a long list of topics I plan on writing about but I'm really busy at the moment with rehearsals but this was something I just wanted to post.

It always seems to me, that after a relationship of mine ends, the guys just forget about me.  Like I was never there to begin with, and I really want to know how they forget about me so easily.  So apparently when I contemplate this, I write a poem like thing.

It’s hard not to ask you
How you forgot me.
I wonder everyday
How easy was it for you
To forget the smell of my hair
And the taste of my lips
And the sound of my breath
When it was quiet
 I want to ask so that
I can forget too
The way your hair felt
When I ran my hands through it
Or the way your arms tensed
When my fingers grazed them
I want to forget the way
you grinned when you were tired
I want to forget you

So yeah.  Its stupid.