A healthy choice

So in my last post I talked about how I was thinking about going to see a psychiatrist and if necessary going back to taking medication to help control my depression and anxiety.

After a lot of thought, and consulting with friends and family, I have decided that it is the best thing for me to do right now.

I want to get better, I need to get better, but I'm not able to do it alone.

As hard as I've tried the last few years to not need help.

I have failed and that's okay.

There is nothing wrong with needing help.  I understand that the main problem is that I have a chemical imbalance which causes my mood to shift downward.  I understand that medicine is a way to handle it.

It is not something to be ashamed of.  It is not something to be embarrassed by.


I am determined to get better.  I am determined to be happy.

Big Decision

I need a break.

I need  a break from feeling sad all of the time.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm worthless and like there is no future for me.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, and worrying about things that I don't need to worry about yet.

I am also just literally tired.  I'm not getting sleep at night because my anxiety keeps acting up which makes it hard to fall asleep which means I'm tired through out the day which makes me fall asleep with out meaning to which means I have a hard time falling asleep again.  Even if I do make it through the day without taking a nap I still can't fall asleep at night, no matter how tired I am.

My anxiety is getting worse.  My depression isn't lightening up.  I don't need this to affect my grades any more then it has been.

I need this to stop.

I'm thinking pretty seriously about going back to see a psychiatrist, and if prompted going back on medication.


As much as I don't want to, because the idea of being reliant on medication is terrifying (also I don't like how they made me feel the last time I was on them),  I think that right now it would be what is best for me.


I'm not sure yet.

Life overhaul

A new year always brings about feeling that people need to make a new version of themselves.

I am not exempt from this.

Though this year I've decided not to change myself as much as I have decided to change my environment.   Anything that I can change I will change.

I've gone through my closet and have gotten rid of a bunch of clothes that I no longer wear,  I'm hanging things up in my room in hopes of brightening it up (I decided when I moved into my room to paint it shades of grey because I was going to do this whole black and white film thing but that was never fully realized).

I'm starting a postcard wall, to remind me of all of the places I need to go.  I"m going to buy new bedding, possibly rearrange the furniture, add more furniture, basically redo my room.

I've gotten a tattoo, I'm changing my clothes, my hair, the way I attack things, and the way I associate with people.

So I guess in a way I'm changing myself too.

I'm also going to read more. 

I love reading, always have.  I used to read at least 50 books a year (probably more I don't know I never counted) now I hardly read.  I'm going to read more and spend less time on the computer (its taking up too much of my reading time.)

I also hope to pick up a new skill and travel more.

A new year. A new promise. A new me.

2012 ended.

I can't say I'm going to miss it, but I don't regret anything that happened in it.

Though I do know that, with this new year I'm going to be making a few changes.

I'm not making any resolutions because I always break them.

What I'm doing is making goals.  Which I realize are basically the same thing but the difference is mine is going to be more general.  Not going to put specifics in them.

I'm going to be happier, healthier, I'm going to open myself up to love more, I'm going to laugh and dance and drink and be young, I'm not going to stress myself out.

I guess there is one thing that is going to be specific.

I'm going to stop with the self deprecation.  It doesn't me any good and I'm tired of being down on myself.

I'm going to take more chance, and go more places.

I'm going to be more organized, and plan for the future while also living in the moment.

I'm going to make 2013 better than 2012.

Flirt

I'm a pretty good flirt.

Unless I'm trying to flirt with someone that I really like.

When that happens I lose all ability to be flirty.  I start acting like a 7 year old with her first crush,

Its embarrassing.

I don't appreciate it.

The only good thing that comes out of it is that I know I have actual feelings for someone, rather then just surface feelings that people get from getting attention from another person.

This is a stupid post.  I had it all thought out and written in my head but every time I try to actually type it it just comes out stupid.

So this post has been like me trying to flirt with a guy I really like.

Gross.

Traditions

Tomorrows Christmas Eve.

Every year on for as long as I remember our Christmas Eves have been pretty much the exact same.


We go to my dad's work Christmas party.

Then we go see a movie with Dad.

And finally we open one present each, which is really two because we open one at each house.


I love Christmas Eve, possibly more then I love Christmas.   Its because of this tradition too.   I look forward to it.

The idea that in a few years I wont be able to do this is terrifying.

My dad has been making the joke for the last few years that I'm too old to attend the Christmas party, and the idea terrifies me.  It might be because I don't have many years left to be able to do this.

When I move away I know that I wont be able to make it home every year.  The first Christmas I probably will but the year after that probably not.

I'll be able to do the movie and the present still, but my tradition will change.


I think some traditions are important, and it's important for us to have them.  They give us something to look forward to, something to share.  

As much as I'm dreading the day where I wont be able to continue certain traditions, I am also looking forward to when I get to create new ones with people I love who aren't family, and then one day with people I love who are family.

Snow

I love snow.

I know most people love snow but I LOVE snow.

There is just something about it.

The world slows down, everything gets quiet.

One of my favorite things to do when I studied in Washington was when I was walking back to my dorm at night while it snowed.  The way the lights glowed, the way the world glowed.  It wasn't cold, it was calm.

Rarely do I have moments of just pure joy and when I see snow, especially the first snow, well that's one of them.

Its snowing outside right now.  We were told we're not going to have more than an inch of accumulated snow but looking outside, we might bet more.

I hope we get more.  We haven't had a white Christmas since I was young and I haven't really felt joy of Christmas time because we haven't even really had a cold one in years.

I want this snow to stay at least until next Tuesday night.   I need this snow to stay until next Tuesday night.

I need this joy.