Looking back

I just read a post I made back in early December.

About how I deserved better then how my life was going at the time.  One of the main points was I deserved better then to be treated how I was being treated.

I guess I had sort of made it a resolution of sorts to change that.  To not let people treat me like shit.

I guess I haven't really been doing a great job at it.

This has been a pretty bad year for my depression, since I was in a funk that lasted about 5 months.  I let people continue to disregard my feelings, or my thoughts, or even just me in general.

I'm pretty ashamed of that.  I always think of myself as a strong women.   Maybe thats because I'm stubborn but I come from a line of very strong women, on both sides of my family and right now I'm feeling like I'm letting them all down because of how much I'm letting my life happiness be dictated by other people.

Hopefully someday I'll learn to stop.  But right now I'm just struggling to survive.

It was also about how I deserved a man who wanted me for me.  That still hasn't happened yet either.  I'm still dealing with residual effects of the past few men to have hurt me.  More on that another time.

Drowning

Life isn't particularly interesting right now.

Yet I still feel like I'm drowning.

I know I've entered into another depressive funk.  I felt myself slip.  Everyday I lay down, exhausted after having done nothing all day.  I lay down and close my eyes and I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm not far from the surface, I can see the edge of land, its within reach.  The problem is I have not strength or motivation to lift my arms and pull myself out.   Even out of the metaphor I literally can't bring myself to move from my bed.

I just want to be happy.  I want to not be tired.  I need a lifesaver, someone or something to keep me afloat.  Obviously I haven't found it/them yet.

They/it need(s) to come along soon.  I don't know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Help needed

My grandmother passed away Wednesday.

Its been tough, and everyone is tired and there is so much to do and its stressing me out.

Over the course of the last few days  I have had a decent chunk of people tell me pretty much the same thing.

"If there is anything you need call me"

But.

How many of them would actually follow through with that?

Cause I need a lot of things.

I need someone to do everything my mother and aunt are having to do even though their mother just died. I need someone to give them a break so that I can stop worrying about them.  I need help to clean around the house, I need someone to make sure I eat, I need someone to just generally help out.  I need someone to hold me,  I need someone to keep me company at night because I can't sleep despite being tired. I need someone to take care of me.  I need this to be over.

Would anyone actually do any of those things though?

Lonely

I know I'm not supposed to say this.

I don't understand why its such a bad thing to say that you're lonely.

If its true then its true.

I am lonely.

Sure I have friends to hang out with, and people to talk with.

I'm fine during the day.

Its just that...at night when I'm actually alone.  I crave companionship.

I've been single for a long time.  I've dated sure but I haven't been in a relationship, not a real one.

Believe it or not though, I don't usually have a problem with being single.   I know some people who can not be single, they don't know how.  They go from relationship to relationship and its never "me" for them, always "we".

But lately, I don't know I guess I'm just tired of it.  So many of my friends are in happy relationships and I'm always the third wheel....or in some cases the 5th.

I just want someone to just be there for me, beyond friendship.  I want someone to curl up with at night,  to just kind of grin at.  Someone who texts me good morning or good night and thats it.    Someone who I can just sit in the room with and not have to be doing something together.  Just to be around.

I want to know what being loved feels like (other then by family) and I want to know if I can feel love for someone else.

But then again who am I kidding.  I wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship.

I'm just lonely.

Clarity

For the last...I don't know 4 months?  I've been in a depressive funk.

I actually hadn't realized how long it had lasted until I was out.

It ended just this last Wednesday.

I know that because it was the first time in a very long time that I didn't feel hopeless.

I had actually forgotten what it felt like to not be ruled by my depression and anxiety.

I've actually started to use the word clear to indicate that I'm out, because everything is clear.

Its like I've been living with this fog over everything and it sucked.  I can breathe again.  I can see again.  Hell I can feel things again.

I hope this lasts.  I enjoy it, feeling normal.  Though I wish it had happened a little bit earlier because now its finals week and I'm realizing just what I have to get done.

Something always brings be back

to you.

Some how everything road just goes back to you.

No matter how far I go, who I see, what I do, the plans I make, I always wind up thinking about you.  About us.    There never was an us.  Not really.  There probably never will be.

I know this.

I understand this.

Apparently I do not accept this.

Apparently deep down I'm hoping this isn't true.

In reality I barely know you.  If I did before I certainly don't now.

So why then do I keep coming back to you?  God I bet you rarely think of me.

I don't obsess over you, sure.  My thoughts of you don't get in the way of my pseudo relationships (pseudo because obviously none of them ever turn into real relationships).  They just always wind up back at you.

Maybe I'll figure it out someday.  Maybe someday, you'll help me.

Maybe.

Be patient with me

I know I'm difficult.

I know having me in your life is stressful.

I know that I'm not exactly the best person to be around.

But I desperately need you to be patient with me.

One of my biggest fears is people not liking me.

Losing all of my friends would kill me.

I've gone through it before.

I don't want to again.

I don't think I'll survive it.

Hell I'm not even sure how I'm surviving right now.

Nothing hurts more then those people who say you're a friend, and make you believe that they care about you and then suddenly, when you really need them.  They're gone.  They were just in it for themselves.

I don't need those people in my life anymore.  I don't want them.

I'm a horrible person.  I know this.  Why else do you think I avoid leaving my house/room/bed?  Why do you think I seclude myself when I have to go out in public?

I don't know how to be around people anymore.  Not without feeling like they all hate me, or don't even notice that I'm there.

Be patient with me as I re-learn such a seemingly simple human behavior.

Each day is a struggle for me to get through.  Every normal thought is sandwiched between thoughts of wanting to be back in my bed and trying not to cry/panic.

If I do something that is rude, or mean, or I blow you off, forget to text or call or respond.  Please please please understand that I don't mean to be that way.  Sometimes I just can't get my brain to work properly, to compose a coherent thought or even words.  Or I cant get my fingers to move to type those words, or even my body to move to pick up my phone, or my head.

I don't mean to be inconsiderate.  I don't meant to be anything.  I'm just trying to get through the week, day, hour, minute.