Let me be excited

I wish people would let other people be happy and excited with out trying to bring them down.

The best example I have for this right now is me moving.

Obviously I'm extremely excited because its the first time I'm moving out, and not into a dorm.

I'm excited to write my first check for my first months rent (I've never needed a check book but I have one now so yeah shut up I'm excited).

I'm excited to make my own rules, and take care of myself (which is basically just doing what every I want whenever I want).

I'm excited to finally just...you know LIVE.

The one thing that I keep hearing from people, when ever I tell them I'm excited, is the same fucking thing.

"Yeah you're excited now but wait until you have no money after paying all of your bills" or some version of that.

OBVIOUSLY I know that money is going to be a little bit tight.  I'm not going into this thinking I can continue living the way I've been living for the last 21 years.  I've already started to change my spending habits, and my eating habits.

I don't go out, I don't go to movies as often as I would like (which is difficult because I love movies), I don't buy unnessacary clothing items (or items at all anymore).

I work 3 jobs and decided to go places based on if I can spare the gas.

I'm very much aware of money.   I don't need people reminding me something I've been thinking about for the last several years.

So please, if someone is excited about things, let them be excited.  Don't burst their bubble just because your's was.

Tag along

No matter how old I get.  No matter what I do.  I will always feel like the annoying tag along.

I've never felt like I belonged in a group.   I've always felt like I was just...included because it was required.   Like my brother and his friends, or the other girls in my girl scout troupe.  They didn't want me there but they didn't really have a choice.

Every group of friends I've "been a part of" has always really been them, then me.  Everyone was always closer to the other people in the group...but no one was ever closer to me then anyone else.

Its been that way since I was 4 years old and its still that way at 21.

Sadly I guess I've always known this was the case.  Maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable in groups.

I always feel like I'm intruding and not wanted. 

Wow I'm having a break through in the middle of my break down...

I'm more likely to turn down invites to hang out with groups then I am to hang out with just one person.

God I just want someone to hold me.

I'm writing a lot of posts lately.  Maybe because I feel like I can't actually talk to anyone about this.  Because people think I'm crazy.  Because I mean come on.  Depression, anxiety, paranoia.  How can they not think I'm crazy.  It's getting harder to hide.  Its getting harder to get out of bed.  Fuck its getting harder to breathe.

I hate summer.  I hate it so much.  As much as I hate school its so much better because in the summer I have more opportunity to hide and avoid human interaction.  Every time I have to interact with someone after not being around people for a little while I come off as more crazed then usual.   

I'm amazed at how well everyone pretends to tolerate me.  I wish I could learn to tolerate myself.

Human Interaction

I don't do well with human interaction.
I don't do well with friends.
I don't do well with trust.
Fuck I don't even do well at life.

I have a really hard time trusting people.  Even my friends.  As much as I love them.

I can't really help it.  Being bullied for 13 years of your life, most of those bullies having been people I thought to be friends.

Friends tease each other, I get that but because of the bullying by so called 'friends'  I can't handle people making jokes at my expense.  I take them personally.  I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.

I also just don't know how to talk to people anymore.  It doesn't help that I'm paranoid that everybody is staring at me, judging me.  I know that its irrational but I can't help it.

I just want to be able to talk to people with out feeling stupid.  I want to not prefer my bed to society.  I want to be able to trust people.  This is probably my problem with ALL types of relationships.

Looking back

I just read a post I made back in early December.

About how I deserved better then how my life was going at the time.  One of the main points was I deserved better then to be treated how I was being treated.

I guess I had sort of made it a resolution of sorts to change that.  To not let people treat me like shit.

I guess I haven't really been doing a great job at it.

This has been a pretty bad year for my depression, since I was in a funk that lasted about 5 months.  I let people continue to disregard my feelings, or my thoughts, or even just me in general.

I'm pretty ashamed of that.  I always think of myself as a strong women.   Maybe thats because I'm stubborn but I come from a line of very strong women, on both sides of my family and right now I'm feeling like I'm letting them all down because of how much I'm letting my life happiness be dictated by other people.

Hopefully someday I'll learn to stop.  But right now I'm just struggling to survive.

It was also about how I deserved a man who wanted me for me.  That still hasn't happened yet either.  I'm still dealing with residual effects of the past few men to have hurt me.  More on that another time.

Drowning

Life isn't particularly interesting right now.

Yet I still feel like I'm drowning.

I know I've entered into another depressive funk.  I felt myself slip.  Everyday I lay down, exhausted after having done nothing all day.  I lay down and close my eyes and I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm not far from the surface, I can see the edge of land, its within reach.  The problem is I have not strength or motivation to lift my arms and pull myself out.   Even out of the metaphor I literally can't bring myself to move from my bed.

I just want to be happy.  I want to not be tired.  I need a lifesaver, someone or something to keep me afloat.  Obviously I haven't found it/them yet.

They/it need(s) to come along soon.  I don't know how much longer I can hold my breath.