Flirt

I'm a pretty good flirt.

Unless I'm trying to flirt with someone that I really like.

When that happens I lose all ability to be flirty.  I start acting like a 7 year old with her first crush,

Its embarrassing.

I don't appreciate it.

The only good thing that comes out of it is that I know I have actual feelings for someone, rather then just surface feelings that people get from getting attention from another person.

This is a stupid post.  I had it all thought out and written in my head but every time I try to actually type it it just comes out stupid.

So this post has been like me trying to flirt with a guy I really like.

Gross.

Traditions

Tomorrows Christmas Eve.

Every year on for as long as I remember our Christmas Eves have been pretty much the exact same.


We go to my dad's work Christmas party.

Then we go see a movie with Dad.

And finally we open one present each, which is really two because we open one at each house.


I love Christmas Eve, possibly more then I love Christmas.   Its because of this tradition too.   I look forward to it.

The idea that in a few years I wont be able to do this is terrifying.

My dad has been making the joke for the last few years that I'm too old to attend the Christmas party, and the idea terrifies me.  It might be because I don't have many years left to be able to do this.

When I move away I know that I wont be able to make it home every year.  The first Christmas I probably will but the year after that probably not.

I'll be able to do the movie and the present still, but my tradition will change.


I think some traditions are important, and it's important for us to have them.  They give us something to look forward to, something to share.  

As much as I'm dreading the day where I wont be able to continue certain traditions, I am also looking forward to when I get to create new ones with people I love who aren't family, and then one day with people I love who are family.

Snow

I love snow.

I know most people love snow but I LOVE snow.

There is just something about it.

The world slows down, everything gets quiet.

One of my favorite things to do when I studied in Washington was when I was walking back to my dorm at night while it snowed.  The way the lights glowed, the way the world glowed.  It wasn't cold, it was calm.

Rarely do I have moments of just pure joy and when I see snow, especially the first snow, well that's one of them.

Its snowing outside right now.  We were told we're not going to have more than an inch of accumulated snow but looking outside, we might bet more.

I hope we get more.  We haven't had a white Christmas since I was young and I haven't really felt joy of Christmas time because we haven't even really had a cold one in years.

I want this snow to stay at least until next Tuesday night.   I need this snow to stay until next Tuesday night.

I need this joy.

Another year older.

Yesterday I turned 21.

So along with all the pomp that goes with 21 was the realization that I made it another year.

For someone who suffers from depression, and has experienced being suicidal off and on for years, this can be another reason to celebrate.

There have been a few times this year where the thought crossed my mind that there wasn't a point for me being alive.

Now that thought is different than wanting to kill myself.   Its more of me wondering if there was a reason, and not believing that I was meant to do anything.

But I've made it.

I'm now at the beginning of my attempt to make it through my 22nd year of life.

My 21st year was...interesting.  It had a lot of ups and downs, with some major downs that were brought on because of some of the wonderful ups, which seems to be about par for the course.

I've learned a lot about myself, and others.  I've experienced things and made life changing decisions.  Got over some things that kept me from having fun, and got rid of things that made me upset.

Made friends, and lost friends.

I danced, drank, flirted, learned, worked, performed, traveled to places alone.

Most importantly though, I lived.

I decided last year that I was going to do things that made me happy.  It was one of the things that was sort of a 'new years resolution' I guess.

Well.  I did.

And will all of the bad that happened in my 21st year of life.  There was a lot of great.

A Letter: A week later

Dear Boy,

I know I said that that post would be the last, I lied.  This one really is.

So it's been a week and I haven't heard from you.

That means either you didn't read it, or you've chosen not to reply.  Which is fine, I guess.  It sucks because I wont ever be able to look you in the eyes again, even if you haven't read it because I'll think that you have and that I embarrassed myself.

Which I did, and am doing again.

I'll get over you, eventually.  You would think it I would have by now, with how ignored I've felt.


This is why I don't like leaving my house.  I don't like getting attached to people because I only get my hopes up.

Maybe someday I'll learn.

Either way I guess this is good bye for us, seeing as you don't seem to want to talk to me anymore.

Things that make me happy.

Or more specifically things that make me happy.

I've decided that way to many of my posts have been negative, or depressing so here is something different.

• Books- Books make me unbelievably happy.  Even when they make me cry.  As long as I can remember I've loved books and reading.  A lot of times they were (and still often are) the only thing that could get me through what was going on in my life.  I can escape into some far off place, or someone else life, and not have to think about or deal with mine.  I can experience feelings that have escaped me in real life, ones that I have yet had the luck to experience.

• Summer Rains- Warm Summer rain that is.  The kind that are heavy and steady.  You walk out and can stand in them for a few minutes and come back completely soaked but not uncomfortable.  Just being out this kind of rain, playing in it, dancing around, or just sitting in it...it makes me feel content, happy, calm.

• Hugs, kissing, cuddling, holding hands-  These are all things I love so I grouped them together because I like them for pretty much the same reasons.  I love human contact, most of the time.  I find it comforting.  It reassures me that I'm not alone, that I'm cared for.  I like hugs because well I do.  I like holding  hands because I got lost when I was little and it terrifies me to think it could happen so I like knowing that someone is there with me.  Cuddling it just nice, I like being warm and the whole human contact thing is lovely.  Kissing..well kissing is fun.  It also has a bunch of health benefits.  I also enjoy getting kissed on the head.  Its just a lovely sign of affection and I don't get those that often.

• Food- enough said

• Music- any kind of music.  It gets me out of my head which is always a good thing.

• Sleeping.

A Little More

Last night I poured my heart and mind out more than I ever have before.

I still don't know the outcome.  I don't know if you read it or if you're reading this.

Since then I've been going through all of the emotions.  Relief for getting it out there, regret for posting it, worry for what you're thinking, contentment for not having it weighing on me as heavily. Sadness for thinking that you did read it and are choosing not to respond.

I spent today in a panicky mood because I think you read it and I'm afraid of what your reaction might be.


I also spent today thinking of more things I should have put in that letter.  Or things I wish I had said differently.

I have decided though that knowing is better than not knowing.  If I know what you think about I can deal with everything better because I have a place to start from.


I realize I'm still being a coward but, I'd rather make a fool of myself here then text you and you not have a clue as to what I mean so...

Please.

This will be the last time I mention this.  I'll be back to my regular crazy posts.  I apologize for those who have read these two posts.