Not a good start

Well 2014 isn't off to a great start.

But it also isn't off to a terrible start.

I just hope that the thing that not good doesn't continue past January.

I was informed today by my boss (of the job that decided to be closed for two weeks) that I will only be working Wednesdays because he can't work around my college schedule any more.   This confuses me because I'm still on break, and also I only have class two days a week.  TWO DAYS A WEEK HOW THE FUCK IS THAT HARD TO WORK AROUND.

So yeah I'm quitting as soon as I change my other job from floor set to Sales.

I'm livid.   I hate the job but it pays really well and I need the extra money.  But hopefully I'll be better in the long run without it.

Looking at the positives.  No more horrible boss, no more stress, no more waking up at 5:00 am every day. I'll only have 2 jobs instead of 3...though I'm probably going to try and find a third one again.

Year in review

I haven't posted in months.

I haven't really needed to.  Or at least, I couldn't flesh out a topic enough to make it worth it, but seeing as it is the end of the year I thought, why not.

2013

Fuck yo, what a year.

I got a tattoo, which (especially at the time) was a huge thing because of my whole 'fear of commitment' cause I mean, not much is as permanent as a tattoo.

I experimented a lot with my hair, had bangs for all of like 2 months.

I was in a fantastic show.  So far Jake's Women was the best experience I have ever had being in a show.  The cast was amazing to work with, the crew was great, and the director was wonderful.  That was probably the hardest closing day I've ever done.

I quit a job, and then got two more jobs.  I worked three jobs on top of 18 credit hours, and being in a sorority and still somehow managed to have a social life.

I said goodbye to my wonderful Grandmother, who I still miss so much.  I made some amazing new friends, I gained more confidence in myself then I have ever had before.

I moved out of my parents house, and have successfully lived with roommates for 6 months.

I've taken more of my life into my own hands then ever before.

I had my heart broken, cried my eyes out, leaned on my friends and I survived.  I moved on and accepted it as a necessary step in life.

I got drunk, I danced, I saw so much theater.

I made a shit ton of new friends, who I hope will be in my life for a very long time.

I went on a date with a wonderful guy, and am now in a relationship with said guy.

It is hard to remember at times all of the good things that have happened this year, when you focus on the bad.  But looking back at pictures, and status and events.  2013 was a huge year for me, and you know...there isn't a lot of it I would change for the world.

Here's to 2014 being even bigger.

Gotta do it

Sometimes you just have to do things.

Even if you know that the thing you have to do is going to cause you a lot of pain.

I recently did something of that sort.  

I know that I needed to do it.  I had been told I needed to do it, and yet I dreaded doing it.

I knew the outcome.  Honestly I didn't expect anything else (I never expect something good to come out of anything, it's easier that way).  Yet it still hurt.  A lot.  I'm still hurting from it, and will probably hurt for a little while more.

The only blame I place is on myself because I know better.  Then again I only ever blame myself for things that really aren't my fault.  

I'm not really sure what I'm doing, or what I need to do anymore.  I'm not sure what my next step is or how to heal.   I'm not really sure of anything.  Except I know that I needed to do what I did to be able to move forward.

We'll see how it goes from here now.  I guess.

New things & old promises

Every semester brings about a lot of new things for everyone.

The one thing that is never new, are all of the people making promises to be a 'new them'.

There is nothing bad about this.

I've done it myself.

This semester I didn't though.

Yet it's already different, so much has changed.

I'm living away from my parents, and as much as I love them I can already tell how much better of a person it has made me.  I feel like I'm able to actually become an 'adult' or at least a more responsible child.

I got a new car, which is small and strange to drive since it's not a truck but its nice.

I can walk into the Theater building without feeling awkward because, while they might not all be friends, I can talk to just about anyone in there because we've made connections on at least some level.  I've also made some fantastic new friends who are just amazing.

I have hit a breakthrough with my acting, in that I need to stop over thinking about it and just do it.  This really applies to auditioning.  I used to freak out right up until I would go in, and then I would just go up on a line and forget everything.  But this time, I only freaked out the day before.  The day of I just forced myself to calm down, and to just be there.   I rocked my monologues (though I don't feel as good about the callbacks which is fine).

I also worked out, and I'm going to again tomorrow.

I'm taking steps to making sure that when I leave college in a year and a half I'm prepared and I know what I'm going to do, or at least that I know that I have the materials to go out there and be confident.  I'm working on finding myself some more.

I'm also just generally trying to have a better out look on life, and accept that shit happens, and that not everything is great but I'm not going let that stop me from pushing on.

Hanging out

I don't often make plans with people.

There are a few reasons.

One, because they almost always fall through.

Two, because no matter who the person is, no matter how 'close' we are.  I will always feel like they're hanging out with me out of pity.

Three, because if the plans don't fall through because of the other person, I come up with an excuse to cancel because I just am so uncomfortable around other people, all people, no matter who you are.


I'm in a constant state of feeling like people only hang out with me or pretend to like me because they feel obligated to, or because they feel bad for me.
This is part of the whole paranoia thing.

I cancel plans because I don't want to go through a few hours of being around people who I feel don't actually want to be around me.

I know, it's stupid, but  that doesn't mean I stop thinking that way.

The whole plans falling through thing doesn't really hep matters either.  Even if I'm given a perfectly good reason, I feel like they canceled because they don't want to hang out with me, which is 100% possible let's be real.

So like.  If I'm actually trying to make plans to hang out with someone, it's kind of significant. Like, it means I genuinely feel like we're friends.

Idk this has been a post about things.

Movie theater safe haven

I assume that most people's 'safe havens' are places like their room, or the library, or a park.

There isn't anything wrong with that, at times my room is my own safe haven.

At times my safe haven isn't even a place, its an object.  Its a book that I'm currently reading.  Or its a person that I need to be around.

One of my favorite safe havens though, is the movie theater.

Now I know there are tons of people who love going to the movies.  

But for me...idk. 

My first job was at the movie theater.  I worked there for over 2 years.  I always loved movies but until I worked at the theater I never really got to see them often.

Once I had access to free movies (almost unlimited) I went all the time.  I saw almost every single movie that came out in those 2.5 years.  Including the ones that no one had heard of and you'd be hard pressed to find a trailer for.

Sure sometimes I'd go with a friend or family member.

But most of the time I went by myself.  And at first I didn't like it much.  I tried to get people to go with me but no one was available when I wanted to go.

Then I started going alone more often and I got used to it.  There have been a few times where I as literally the only person in the theater.

Now I go see movies by myself on a regular basis.  I enjoy it.  That isn't saying I don't like seeing them with other people.

But it's become a place that I can go and just disappear to.  When I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or lonely I go see a movie.

Now I know how weird that seems, feeling lonely so I go see a movie by myself.  But if you look at it my way it makes sense.

I get so lost in a movie that I'm in it.  I get emotionally attached to everything about the movie. I even get sad when the previews are over (sometimes they're my favorite part).

I watch the movie without fear of being judged for how I react to parts of it.  I can cry in peace, I can laugh out loud at (sometimes  often) inappropriate moments.  

When I'm at a movie alone I can completely give myself over to the experience.  When I'm with someone, I am at all times aware of their presence.  That isn't always a bad thing, but I find that I tend to miss little things that most people don't notice and I love finding the little things.

For a few hours I'm allowed to disconnect from the world, hide, and not have to think about what's going on.

Also I just really love popcorn.

New beginning

So I moved out of my parents house the other day.

I now live in house with three other girls.

It's exciting but also weird.

It's new.  It's a beginning.  It will be an adventure and I'm ready for it.

I'm going to make this last.  I wont have to move back 'home'.  I'll be free to say what I want and do what I want and just BE what I want.

If I want to have friends over I can with out having to seek permission.  I can chill on the couch and drink without feeling judged.  I can have a guy over and not feel awkward.  I can keep my room as clean or as messy as I want.

Most of all though.  I can finally show them that I am not a child.

Yeah yeah  yeah I know parents always see their kids as their babies.  But there has to be a certain point where they start respecting you as an adult.  That time still hasn't come.  Now though...because they no longer have the power to tell me what to do, maybe they'll see that I can do it.  I can take care of myself and be responsible.

Sure there are still somethings I need to work on.  But that's part of growing up.