A healthy choice

So in my last post I talked about how I was thinking about going to see a psychiatrist and if necessary going back to taking medication to help control my depression and anxiety.

After a lot of thought, and consulting with friends and family, I have decided that it is the best thing for me to do right now.

I want to get better, I need to get better, but I'm not able to do it alone.

As hard as I've tried the last few years to not need help.

I have failed and that's okay.

There is nothing wrong with needing help.  I understand that the main problem is that I have a chemical imbalance which causes my mood to shift downward.  I understand that medicine is a way to handle it.

It is not something to be ashamed of.  It is not something to be embarrassed by.


I am determined to get better.  I am determined to be happy.

Big Decision

I need a break.

I need  a break from feeling sad all of the time.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm worthless and like there is no future for me.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, and worrying about things that I don't need to worry about yet.

I am also just literally tired.  I'm not getting sleep at night because my anxiety keeps acting up which makes it hard to fall asleep which means I'm tired through out the day which makes me fall asleep with out meaning to which means I have a hard time falling asleep again.  Even if I do make it through the day without taking a nap I still can't fall asleep at night, no matter how tired I am.

My anxiety is getting worse.  My depression isn't lightening up.  I don't need this to affect my grades any more then it has been.

I need this to stop.

I'm thinking pretty seriously about going back to see a psychiatrist, and if prompted going back on medication.


As much as I don't want to, because the idea of being reliant on medication is terrifying (also I don't like how they made me feel the last time I was on them),  I think that right now it would be what is best for me.


I'm not sure yet.

Life overhaul

A new year always brings about feeling that people need to make a new version of themselves.

I am not exempt from this.

Though this year I've decided not to change myself as much as I have decided to change my environment.   Anything that I can change I will change.

I've gone through my closet and have gotten rid of a bunch of clothes that I no longer wear,  I'm hanging things up in my room in hopes of brightening it up (I decided when I moved into my room to paint it shades of grey because I was going to do this whole black and white film thing but that was never fully realized).

I'm starting a postcard wall, to remind me of all of the places I need to go.  I"m going to buy new bedding, possibly rearrange the furniture, add more furniture, basically redo my room.

I've gotten a tattoo, I'm changing my clothes, my hair, the way I attack things, and the way I associate with people.

So I guess in a way I'm changing myself too.

I'm also going to read more. 

I love reading, always have.  I used to read at least 50 books a year (probably more I don't know I never counted) now I hardly read.  I'm going to read more and spend less time on the computer (its taking up too much of my reading time.)

I also hope to pick up a new skill and travel more.

A new year. A new promise. A new me.

2012 ended.

I can't say I'm going to miss it, but I don't regret anything that happened in it.

Though I do know that, with this new year I'm going to be making a few changes.

I'm not making any resolutions because I always break them.

What I'm doing is making goals.  Which I realize are basically the same thing but the difference is mine is going to be more general.  Not going to put specifics in them.

I'm going to be happier, healthier, I'm going to open myself up to love more, I'm going to laugh and dance and drink and be young, I'm not going to stress myself out.

I guess there is one thing that is going to be specific.

I'm going to stop with the self deprecation.  It doesn't me any good and I'm tired of being down on myself.

I'm going to take more chance, and go more places.

I'm going to be more organized, and plan for the future while also living in the moment.

I'm going to make 2013 better than 2012.