A New Path

There have been a number a changes happening in my life this month, and its not even at the half way point.

I'm no longer an collegiate member of my sorority, which was been a huge part of my life for the last 3 years. Friday I had my last even with them, I am now fully an alumnae.

The best job I have ever had closed, hopefully to reopen but currently on hiatus.  The people I met there have become like a family to me.  They've inspired me, they've encouraged me, they've teased me, and they've made that last year so great.  My heart broke when I got the news.

I've moved back in with my parents.  I didn't want to, I still don't want to be living here.  But ultimately its going to be for the best.  I don't have to stress about making rent, I have a chance to catch back up on my finances and I can start saving money for my big move next year.


I don't usually do well with change.  I can barely handle one big change in my life, let alone three.  While it's all a little (extremely) overwhelming, I'm fighting through.  I'm not going to let these things get the best of me.

Yes I need to reevaluate my life and what I'm going to do the next year to keep myself from going back to the person I was three years ago.   I know that because of the things that are no longer with me I'm a much stronger person, and much more determined.

God this all just goes to show that I really am growing up.  Gross.

Grudges

I do not hold grudges.

I don't.  It may seem like I do sometimes but I don't.

I just don't forgive people easily.  Especially those who I trusted.

See, I have certain issues.  Mainly with trust.  I have been stabbed in the back too many times in my life by people I thought were friends, people I trusted.   So I don't trust quickly, sometimes at all.

If you happen to be a person that I trust, consider it to be a very lucky and rare thing.

I have tried, in recent years, to trust people more.  Trust them to care for me, trust them to not hurt me, trust them to not lie to me.  Sometimes it has worked for me.  I have gained some amazing relationships from doing this.   Unfortunately the majority of the time it has come back and bit me in the ass.

I do not keep my trust issues a secret.  Not anymore.   I'm generally up front with people, possible romantic interests in particular because I want them to know what their getting into.

First people have to earn my trust, which is normal for pretty much everyone.  It just might take a little longer with me.  Once you have it, you must never break it because my trust is not something that can be fixed, ever.

So I do not hold grudges, but if I trusted you and you knew about my issues with trust...then chances are I wont forgive you.  I don't give second chances.

Changes

Sometimes I forget how quickly things can change in one's life.

My life is currently in a state of flux.  Changing jobs, changing relationships, changing perspectives on the world and myself.

With everything seeming so up in the air right now I'm finding it hard to focus on anything which is causing problems in a lot of aspects.  But I'm also forcing myself to buckle down and get shit done that needs to be done.  I'm taking more charge of my life, I'm being more vocal about how I feel and what I want, and I'm trying new things.

I've also come to discover that, while I know how to be single and while I can an enjoy being single., my recently ended relationship taught me a lot about myself I didn't really know (or at least acknowledge) before.  One, I don't like waking up alone and I apparently sleep better if I'm not alone.  Two (as pointed out by one of my closest friends) I put my whole heart into things, especially relationships with people.  This doesn't mean that I love everybody right away.  It just means that I will make sure you know how important you are to me, and I will do whatever I can to make you happy.  Three: I need someone who will do the same for me.  I need someone who lets me know I'm important and how they feel about me and that they want me to be happy.    Finally I also realized (or accepted) that I need to focus on a lot of other things first, and that as much as I would love the perks relationships have to offer, if I am going to go anywhere with my acting career I need to put that first and fight for it.  I'm okay with that.

I'm also coming to terms with a lot of things I've been struggling with for many years.  Since I'm still trying to figure them out I'm not going to really talk about some of them here, not yet.  Others, like the fact that I am a strong, independent, stubborn women who is tired of taking people's shit, is something that is going to be seen more often.

All in all I think I've made a huge step in "growing up" whatever the fuck that means.   I'm finally beginning to accept that change happens, and that I can fight it if I want and sometimes I need to, or I can help it, and push it.

Not a good start

Well 2014 isn't off to a great start.

But it also isn't off to a terrible start.

I just hope that the thing that not good doesn't continue past January.

I was informed today by my boss (of the job that decided to be closed for two weeks) that I will only be working Wednesdays because he can't work around my college schedule any more.   This confuses me because I'm still on break, and also I only have class two days a week.  TWO DAYS A WEEK HOW THE FUCK IS THAT HARD TO WORK AROUND.

So yeah I'm quitting as soon as I change my other job from floor set to Sales.

I'm livid.   I hate the job but it pays really well and I need the extra money.  But hopefully I'll be better in the long run without it.

Looking at the positives.  No more horrible boss, no more stress, no more waking up at 5:00 am every day. I'll only have 2 jobs instead of 3...though I'm probably going to try and find a third one again.

Year in review

I haven't posted in months.

I haven't really needed to.  Or at least, I couldn't flesh out a topic enough to make it worth it, but seeing as it is the end of the year I thought, why not.

2013

Fuck yo, what a year.

I got a tattoo, which (especially at the time) was a huge thing because of my whole 'fear of commitment' cause I mean, not much is as permanent as a tattoo.

I experimented a lot with my hair, had bangs for all of like 2 months.

I was in a fantastic show.  So far Jake's Women was the best experience I have ever had being in a show.  The cast was amazing to work with, the crew was great, and the director was wonderful.  That was probably the hardest closing day I've ever done.

I quit a job, and then got two more jobs.  I worked three jobs on top of 18 credit hours, and being in a sorority and still somehow managed to have a social life.

I said goodbye to my wonderful Grandmother, who I still miss so much.  I made some amazing new friends, I gained more confidence in myself then I have ever had before.

I moved out of my parents house, and have successfully lived with roommates for 6 months.

I've taken more of my life into my own hands then ever before.

I had my heart broken, cried my eyes out, leaned on my friends and I survived.  I moved on and accepted it as a necessary step in life.

I got drunk, I danced, I saw so much theater.

I made a shit ton of new friends, who I hope will be in my life for a very long time.

I went on a date with a wonderful guy, and am now in a relationship with said guy.

It is hard to remember at times all of the good things that have happened this year, when you focus on the bad.  But looking back at pictures, and status and events.  2013 was a huge year for me, and you know...there isn't a lot of it I would change for the world.

Here's to 2014 being even bigger.

Gotta do it

Sometimes you just have to do things.

Even if you know that the thing you have to do is going to cause you a lot of pain.

I recently did something of that sort.  

I know that I needed to do it.  I had been told I needed to do it, and yet I dreaded doing it.

I knew the outcome.  Honestly I didn't expect anything else (I never expect something good to come out of anything, it's easier that way).  Yet it still hurt.  A lot.  I'm still hurting from it, and will probably hurt for a little while more.

The only blame I place is on myself because I know better.  Then again I only ever blame myself for things that really aren't my fault.  

I'm not really sure what I'm doing, or what I need to do anymore.  I'm not sure what my next step is or how to heal.   I'm not really sure of anything.  Except I know that I needed to do what I did to be able to move forward.

We'll see how it goes from here now.  I guess.

New things & old promises

Every semester brings about a lot of new things for everyone.

The one thing that is never new, are all of the people making promises to be a 'new them'.

There is nothing bad about this.

I've done it myself.

This semester I didn't though.

Yet it's already different, so much has changed.

I'm living away from my parents, and as much as I love them I can already tell how much better of a person it has made me.  I feel like I'm able to actually become an 'adult' or at least a more responsible child.

I got a new car, which is small and strange to drive since it's not a truck but its nice.

I can walk into the Theater building without feeling awkward because, while they might not all be friends, I can talk to just about anyone in there because we've made connections on at least some level.  I've also made some fantastic new friends who are just amazing.

I have hit a breakthrough with my acting, in that I need to stop over thinking about it and just do it.  This really applies to auditioning.  I used to freak out right up until I would go in, and then I would just go up on a line and forget everything.  But this time, I only freaked out the day before.  The day of I just forced myself to calm down, and to just be there.   I rocked my monologues (though I don't feel as good about the callbacks which is fine).

I also worked out, and I'm going to again tomorrow.

I'm taking steps to making sure that when I leave college in a year and a half I'm prepared and I know what I'm going to do, or at least that I know that I have the materials to go out there and be confident.  I'm working on finding myself some more.

I'm also just generally trying to have a better out look on life, and accept that shit happens, and that not everything is great but I'm not going let that stop me from pushing on.