New things & old promises

Every semester brings about a lot of new things for everyone.

The one thing that is never new, are all of the people making promises to be a 'new them'.

There is nothing bad about this.

I've done it myself.

This semester I didn't though.

Yet it's already different, so much has changed.

I'm living away from my parents, and as much as I love them I can already tell how much better of a person it has made me.  I feel like I'm able to actually become an 'adult' or at least a more responsible child.

I got a new car, which is small and strange to drive since it's not a truck but its nice.

I can walk into the Theater building without feeling awkward because, while they might not all be friends, I can talk to just about anyone in there because we've made connections on at least some level.  I've also made some fantastic new friends who are just amazing.

I have hit a breakthrough with my acting, in that I need to stop over thinking about it and just do it.  This really applies to auditioning.  I used to freak out right up until I would go in, and then I would just go up on a line and forget everything.  But this time, I only freaked out the day before.  The day of I just forced myself to calm down, and to just be there.   I rocked my monologues (though I don't feel as good about the callbacks which is fine).

I also worked out, and I'm going to again tomorrow.

I'm taking steps to making sure that when I leave college in a year and a half I'm prepared and I know what I'm going to do, or at least that I know that I have the materials to go out there and be confident.  I'm working on finding myself some more.

I'm also just generally trying to have a better out look on life, and accept that shit happens, and that not everything is great but I'm not going let that stop me from pushing on.

Hanging out

I don't often make plans with people.

There are a few reasons.

One, because they almost always fall through.

Two, because no matter who the person is, no matter how 'close' we are.  I will always feel like they're hanging out with me out of pity.

Three, because if the plans don't fall through because of the other person, I come up with an excuse to cancel because I just am so uncomfortable around other people, all people, no matter who you are.


I'm in a constant state of feeling like people only hang out with me or pretend to like me because they feel obligated to, or because they feel bad for me.
This is part of the whole paranoia thing.

I cancel plans because I don't want to go through a few hours of being around people who I feel don't actually want to be around me.

I know, it's stupid, but  that doesn't mean I stop thinking that way.

The whole plans falling through thing doesn't really hep matters either.  Even if I'm given a perfectly good reason, I feel like they canceled because they don't want to hang out with me, which is 100% possible let's be real.

So like.  If I'm actually trying to make plans to hang out with someone, it's kind of significant. Like, it means I genuinely feel like we're friends.

Idk this has been a post about things.

Movie theater safe haven

I assume that most people's 'safe havens' are places like their room, or the library, or a park.

There isn't anything wrong with that, at times my room is my own safe haven.

At times my safe haven isn't even a place, its an object.  Its a book that I'm currently reading.  Or its a person that I need to be around.

One of my favorite safe havens though, is the movie theater.

Now I know there are tons of people who love going to the movies.  

But for me...idk. 

My first job was at the movie theater.  I worked there for over 2 years.  I always loved movies but until I worked at the theater I never really got to see them often.

Once I had access to free movies (almost unlimited) I went all the time.  I saw almost every single movie that came out in those 2.5 years.  Including the ones that no one had heard of and you'd be hard pressed to find a trailer for.

Sure sometimes I'd go with a friend or family member.

But most of the time I went by myself.  And at first I didn't like it much.  I tried to get people to go with me but no one was available when I wanted to go.

Then I started going alone more often and I got used to it.  There have been a few times where I as literally the only person in the theater.

Now I go see movies by myself on a regular basis.  I enjoy it.  That isn't saying I don't like seeing them with other people.

But it's become a place that I can go and just disappear to.  When I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or lonely I go see a movie.

Now I know how weird that seems, feeling lonely so I go see a movie by myself.  But if you look at it my way it makes sense.

I get so lost in a movie that I'm in it.  I get emotionally attached to everything about the movie. I even get sad when the previews are over (sometimes they're my favorite part).

I watch the movie without fear of being judged for how I react to parts of it.  I can cry in peace, I can laugh out loud at (sometimes  often) inappropriate moments.  

When I'm at a movie alone I can completely give myself over to the experience.  When I'm with someone, I am at all times aware of their presence.  That isn't always a bad thing, but I find that I tend to miss little things that most people don't notice and I love finding the little things.

For a few hours I'm allowed to disconnect from the world, hide, and not have to think about what's going on.

Also I just really love popcorn.

New beginning

So I moved out of my parents house the other day.

I now live in house with three other girls.

It's exciting but also weird.

It's new.  It's a beginning.  It will be an adventure and I'm ready for it.

I'm going to make this last.  I wont have to move back 'home'.  I'll be free to say what I want and do what I want and just BE what I want.

If I want to have friends over I can with out having to seek permission.  I can chill on the couch and drink without feeling judged.  I can have a guy over and not feel awkward.  I can keep my room as clean or as messy as I want.

Most of all though.  I can finally show them that I am not a child.

Yeah yeah  yeah I know parents always see their kids as their babies.  But there has to be a certain point where they start respecting you as an adult.  That time still hasn't come.  Now though...because they no longer have the power to tell me what to do, maybe they'll see that I can do it.  I can take care of myself and be responsible.

Sure there are still somethings I need to work on.  But that's part of growing up.